Winged Freedom

He's My Addiction (Song)

He's My Addiction

"You can't listen to her

I know it's painful right now honey

but if you were dead . . .

who would be there to enjoy the rest of their life with me?

Because I wouldn't find anyone else.

I don't want anyone else

I don't want another girl

I won't make her my world

She isn't you

And she never will be

She'll never measure up to what you mean to me . . . "

His words were so sweet, 

But I still remember how it felt to cut

To be able to control the pain I feel

And watch the blood drip down my wrist

To see the crimson

And my white wrist mix 

He told me one thing that I regret

Because I made him say those words

And I caused that pain in his chest

"If that's what will help you . . . "

Tempers flared inside of myself

The growing beast that won't die

The one that eats me up inside 

And at this moment, right now,

I wish I could punch myself in the mouth.

But he wasn't even upset

He wasn't mad

Just concerned

With worry and sorrow

He thought he was losing me

And I wouldn't be here tomorrow

"Would you stop?

I want you to open up like this

And not hold it back.

I want you to get it off of your chest

And not say words you'll later regret." 

I was confused and asked

"You want me to open up this way?

To say the words I want to say?" 

"To an extent . . .

I don't like when you get depressed

And I have to tell you to stop 3 times

Before you listen and I get my baby back . . . "

I paused, listening to his words

They were beautiful to me,

Yet, in a way, frightening 

And finally I told him

Something he probably didn't want to hear

Because when I said then was the truth

And I wouldn't lie to him

"Then you shouldn't want me

To open up about what I bury inside."

"If you don't,

It won't get better.

You need to talk,

You have this horrid habit.

You worry about everyone else

And their pain

When you're the one feeling it most

And you're the one who need someone else." 

"Do you ever think . . .

That maybe it's not supposed to . . . ?"

Those simple words

Formed a question

I don't think he wanted to answer

But he did 

"No, because that's bullshit.

It can get better.

It has to get better.

You have to get better to heal

And I'm not going anywhere . . .

I'm your medicine,

Make me your new addiction." 

But then what?

Am I supposed to open up about my cravings?

What I feel like shouldn't have stopped?

Just keep fucking talking

So I can shove my foot in my mouth when it hurts you?

So I can fucking dread my words?

And hate who I am?

"I want you to do what you feel is best for you."

But I don't want to put him through that

I don't want to cause him pain

I don't want to be the reason

He cries when it rains 

"I don't want you to live

With that inside and no one

To talk to about it.

Because I'm not afraid of my tears,

I know you have too many fears.

I'm here to protect you at night,

Just talk . . .

Don't battle it out inside." 

But why should I talk?

Everything I say

Hurts him in some way.  

But he argues with me

And disagrees 

Doesn't he think what's inside of me 

Can hurt him? 

It's bottled up for a reason . . .

So I don't cause 

Unnecessary pain. 

"Not all of it hurts me . . . "

He whispered this

And I cringed away from my reflection

When I looked into the mirror

Because I know I do more damage than good

But he refuses to see that

Because he doesn't believe

That within himself

Is a heart beating for another girl

And I don't want to believe it either

But sometimes, things happen for a reason,

Maybe I'm not good for him

Maybe I'm the gasoline

And he's the fire . . .

But it doesn't matter anymore

Because he's mine

And mine forever