Lost & Found

To Build a Home

        "We live in Canada." Beth stated as if she knew my reaction wouldn't be good.

       I could  feel my eyes widen.  Canada.  Home of the moose and colored money.  Also home of spelling "colored" with a "u" for god only knows what reason.  I've never even been to Canada.  Does Canada even have a president? No, they have a Prime Minister... I think.  What do Canadians even do for fun? Hockey with a side of poutine? I heard that they even keep there milk in bags.  My god.  I'm moving to Canada.  Canada. 

        After my mind had taken it's time processing this information, I decided I should ask a few questions about what would soon become my "home."

        "What state do you live in?" I asked trying to hide my panic as rubbed my hand absentmindedly up and down my arms.

        George smiled at his wife, "honey, Canada doesn't have states.  We have provinces.  Same idea, but there are not nearly as many."

        I grimaced. 

        "We live in Ontario," Beth replied, answering my question as she ran her hand through her hair, untangling the ends as she went.  "It boarders America." She added.

        "What city?"  I asked praying that they would say Toronto. I've never beento Toronto but I've heard that it's large.  Even larger than my beautiful city of San Francisco. 

        "We don't live in a city."  I think I died. " We live in Siena Bay, it's this cute little cottage town about 3 hours north of Toronto." Beth said, clearly proud of her 'cute little cottage town.'

        I was a city girl.  I am a city girl.  Don't get me wrong, I liked visiting our family's cottage every once and a while but I can't imagine living there all year round.  But, given my current situation, I shouldn't be picky.

        After Beth and George left at about half past ten, I had a hot shower to process everything.  I turned on the tap and stood under the steady stream of hot water.  As the water poured over my shoulders and down my back, I thought about everything.  Every fear, every sadness and every uncertainty that I felt.  I thought about my parents, about my friends, about my future.  I began to feel a burning sensation in the back of my throught, the kind that means that you're about to cry. I sat in the bottom of the shower and let go.  I let every thought that I'd been pushing out of my head go.  I had been bottling it all up to appear strong and put together.  I didn't want to be weak.  I didn't want this excruciating loss define me and my future.  I was heartbroken.  I was broken.  But that didn't mean that my life was over.  My parents would want me to go on.  They wouldn't want to see me like this.  I don't even want to see me like this.

        In that moment I had made my decision.  I would not let people see this side of me, this weak and vulnerable side.  I am strong.  I would not let people pity me because I had lost my parents.  I would not let them treat me any differently.

        Maybe moving to a different country isn't as bad as it seems.  No one seems to know what to say to me here.  My friends are awkward and distant because they don't know what to say or do.  I guess they figure that doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing.  They're wrong.  

        I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a fresh towel.  The hot water always made me sleepy so as soon as I reached my bedroom I slipped my pajamas on and collapsed on the bed in my now almost empty room. This is one of the last sleeps that I will have in my bedroom.  The Andersons fly back to Ontario tomorrow morning and I fly out the day after.  Tomorrow I would finish my packing and say goodbye to my friends and family. To my life. 

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 To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB0ordd2nOI

Other songs from this chapter include:

Four Walls by Broods https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tTWOf3Pm6Q

Move along by The All-American Rejects https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XleOkGsYgO8

Not Giving In by Rudimental https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft3FFntxwVU