Toxic love // lesbian story (intersex/g!p x girl)

37.

Ellie's POV

That made my heart ache. I never wanted her to hate me again, I don't know what I did wrong..I just want to make her happy but I'm never going to be the one she wants.

I let go of her arm as she looked at me, her eyes softened a little at the expression on my face "I didn't mean to hurt you like that" she said, I smiled and looked down, letting a tear fall down my face "it's okay, I deserve it. I mean it's my fault not yours"

"I don't know why I said that, I was just mad-" I nodded and cut her off "it's okay, you were just saying the truth. I'm the bad person here not you but I promise you I'm trying to get better for you, I'm changing but I don't think it's for the better anymore, I'm just becoming worse than I already am"

I walked outside to the backyard and walked into the woods, sitting down with my back against one of the trees as I looked up at the stars.

I just want to be good enough. I am a bad person and I deserve everything bad that happened to me. I deserve being hurt, I deserve my parents leaving me, I deserve everything that is happening to me.

"Hey.." I looked to my side and wiped my tears immediately, seeing Grace "..I know you probably wanna be alone but I'm sorry, maybe it is true but you're becoming a better person and you don't deserve that. I just threw it on you like it was nothing and I'm sorry for that, I should've thought about it hurting you before I said it" this girl is too pure, hurting someone would probably make her feel so guilty.

"It's okay. I mean I should let it hurt me until it stops hurting..might take a while but it's fine. I'll be fine" no I won't be.

She smiled weakly and nodded "I'll leave you alone" she turned around and walked towards the cabin.

I don't want you to leave me alone. You don't annoy me, I like hearing about every single detail of your day, I love when you talk too much, i love when we just sit there in silence but I love having you around.

When I say I want to be left alone, I don't mean you should leave me alone, I mean everybody else in this world should leave me alone but you, I never want that one person to leave me alone. I want her to annoy me, make me laugh, talk a lot, act like she has fun talking to me but I don't want her to leave me alone.

I'm too scared to start a conversation because I feel like I annoy her and that she doesn't like talking to me, that's why I seem like I don't care but I really care.

I wish I have someone that knows when I want to be alone and when I want to be alone with them but it'll probably be hard. I always think the person that's going to stay with me forever is going to understand me but I got to put in mind the fact that I don't even understand myself so what makes me think someone is going to take the time of their day to try and understand me so I can be happy?

Maybe that's when I find true love.

When am I going to find it? I feel so lonely. I want someone to just talk to me, I don't have to have sex with them, I just want to talk to them about random things and still feel so good by talking to them..that's all I want.

I want someone that makes me happy, I want someone that understands me, I want someone that makes me laugh and smile, I want someone to make me feel wanted and loved, I want someone to just send me a picture of random things saying it reminds them on me, I want someone to comfort me when I'm sad but that's too much to ask for.

I try to move on from her but I can't, Grace is the person that makes me feel like myself, she's the person that even if she doesn't talk to me she'll always be on my mind, she's the person that makes me smile like one crazy motherfucker just by thinking of her but I know she doesn't think of me, I know she doesn't see me the way that I see her.

I just want her to be mine so I can make her feel safe and loved. I might not show it but if I actually care about someone I would do anything for them just to see them smile, just to hear that I make them happy, I would do anything for the person I care about the most.

I hope I find someone that'll do the same for me. I hope Grace would do the same for me.