Toxic love // lesbian story (intersex/g!p x girl)

46.

(Mention of self harm, depression and anxiety)

Grace's POV

"I wanna talk now" I said walking into our room to see Ellie playing with Coco. She looked at me and nodded, putting Coco down on the floor and letting her leave the room.

I closed the door and locked it, not wanting anyone or anything to interrupt us. I walked towards the bed where she was sitting and sat down next to her, looking down at my fingers as I nervously played with the ring.

I felt her hand on my thigh "it's okay, I'll wait" I looked up at her and she had a small smile on her face, for reassurance but I wanted to say everything now.

"I wanna..say everything now so I can feel relieved" she nodded her head and moved closer to me "okay"

"When we were in high school I always thought you hated me because you always looked at me with hate and made rumors..like really bad rumors about me and it got me into a really bad mental state"

She nodded and swallowed hardly "I started..harming myself and it kept going until my mom noticed some scars on my wrist. She told me that therapy would be good if I need it and that she just wants me to be safe with her"

"I didn't harm myself after my dad passed away because..I had friends but then they all disappeared and I started thinking that they did because I wasn't good enough for anyone and that I could've done better but then I heard the rumors and decided to stop trying to make friends and started harming myself thinking it'll make me feel better.. I thought that turning the pain into physical pain would be better but nothing changed, my mental state just got worse and worse until I went to therapy and talked about my problems"

"Then I stopped hurting myself, started taking pills for my depression and anxiety. Things got so much better and I actually felt excited for the first time when I got accepted into NYU then i saw you there and thought..it'll be the same in high school"

"When you took me to the gun place, it triggered me because I saw my dad die right in front of me, being shot with a gun and I'm scared of storms because there was a storm outside and it reminded me of what happened a lot. I know it might be dumb being scared of so many things-" Ellie cut me off and shook her head "it's not, you went through a lot so it's okay"

I smiled and nodded, looking down not wanting to meet Ellie's teary eyes "you can say what you wanna say now" I said. She took a deep breathe "I don't think I have any good explanation because either way I did bad things and I can't change the past but..I'll just say what I have to say and you can decide wether you still wanna be with me or not"

Doesn't matter what she's going to say, I love her now and I can't change that either but she doesn't know that yet..she doesn't know that I love her so of course she's going to think I might break up with her but I won't.

"I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world when we were in high school. I know you might think I'm lying but I promise you I'm not. I really thought you were beautiful and pretty and gorgeous..you always looked at me then looked down because you thought I hated you but I just have a really bitchy straight face..I was admiring you and how you're just pure perfection standing there next to your locker or sitting in class.."

"..I hate this thing about myself because people think I hate them so they never talk to me. I never mean to look really hateful or anything, I just suck at showing emotions that's why.."

"..I tried to smile at you once but you looked away and started talking to your friends so I got mad and jealous and never tried to smile at you again but I tried to push your friends away from you by starting the rumors because I'll be the only one who knows you never..did any of those things that means I'll be the only one able to approach you.."

"..and when I tried to approach you I simply couldn't. I made all kinds of scenarios in my head and they all lead to you not wanting me so I stayed away from you and loved you from a distance but I felt satisfied knowing no one can take you from me and I never thought..of what you would be feeling which I'm really sorry about. I was selfish and rude and I deserve everything bad that happens to me. I'll do anything that makes you happy even if it means having to stay away from me but I just want to know that you don't hate me"

I put my hand on her cheek and rubbed my thumb over her skin, wiping away the tear that rolled down her cheek. I placed my lips on hers for a soft kiss and pulled back, placing my forehead on hers "I don't hate you and the last thing I want is for you to stay away from me"

She smiled and sniffed "and I don't want you to feel bad, it's okay-" she shook her head "it's not okay, it will never be okay and I'll apologize to you until I fucking die because what I did was messed up and really bad"

I didn't want to say anything, I want her to do whatever she wants so she would feel better because I don't hate her anymore.

"Can I..see them?" I backed away a little and tilted my head to the side "the scars?" She asked, I nodded and stood up "the ones on my wrist are gone but I have some on my..thighs"

She stood up and kissed my forehead, holding my hand and turning us around. She made me sit on the bed then made me slowly lay down. She slowly pulled my pants down "they're covered" I said making her look at me.

"There is a make up wipe in the drawer" she nodded and stood up, taking one make up wipe and coming back to me. She slowly started trailing it on the inner of my thighs where I told her the scars were at.

I put my head back on the pillow, my heart beating out of my chest for no reason but I never showed anyone my scars.

I didn't feel anything for a bit then I started feeling soft kisses on my inner thighs. I looked down to see Ellie caressing one of my thighs as she placed kisses on my other one, on the scars making sure that she's being gentle and soft so she wouldn't hurt me.

Tears were coming down her cheek as she kept focusing on the scars.

I felt good and safe by what she was doing, I felt like whatever happens she'll never judge me and that she'll always try to make me feel safe in her arms.

I put my head back on the pillow feeling tears form in my eyes. I started crying a little, I don't know why but I just still felt like I had to cry to not feel overwhelmed anymore.

"Hey it's okay.." she got up to me and kissed my lips "..everything is gonna be okay, I promise"

I pulled her down to me and hugged her tightly. Her hand rubbed up and down the side of my body while she was kissing my neck and I felt her tears on my neck as well.

"I'm sorry for everything I did"