The Legend of Sardboys and Harlots

Chapter 1

"Checkmate, BITCH," cackled Queen Warisha as she knocked down King Tarus' king.
"I hate this game," mumbled King Tarus.
"That's because you suck, dear."
"You swallow."
She raised a stern eyebrow at him and he sheepishly looked away.
Tarus took a sip of his tea, "So, any news about finding a suitor for Princess Kenny?"
"Hardly," sighed Her Majesty.
"I'm not surprised. All the bachelors in this kingdom are little pussies," he rolled his eyes.
"I'll say," mumbled Queen Warisha.
Tarus summoned his servants, Sofia and Mary.
"What do you two suggest?" he inquired.
"If I may, Your Majesty, maybe you can invite all the available suitors in the kingdom to a ball for Princess Kenny," said Mary.
"Or you could just invite them and if you like them you swipe right, and if you don't, swipe left," Sofia's eyes glimmered as she grinned, "I'd like to call this Tinder."
Mary glared at Sofia and her grin diminished.
"Okay, then, we'll go with the ball. Go set everything up and send out the invitations for tomorrow. Also, find something for Princess Kenny to wear," said Tarus.
"Yes, sire," Sofia and Mary bowed in unison.
Tarus looked at Warisha and chuckled, "We 'bouta get turnt tonight."
Warisha groaned, "I don't like you when you're drunk. So, behave. This is for our daughter."
He crossed his arms, "Fine."
She kissed him on the cheek, "Thank you, dear."
Not too long later, Sofia and Mary were in the kitchen. Mary began making food preparations with the kitchen staff as Sofia sat at the table sewing Princess Kenny's dress.
"Why do you even take your time on that damned dress? No matter what the princess wears she still manages to look like a man," said Mary to Sofia.
Sofia continued sewing, "Rotten words will come back to hurt you."
Mary's eyebrows furled, "What does that even supposed to mean?"
Sofia put down the dress and looked straight at Mary, "Talk shit, get hit."
Mary flushed pink and went to go cut potatoes.
Upstairs in the highest tower of the castle was Princess Kenny and her closest colleagues: Duchess Analidia and Duchess Kristen.
"Oh, Princess Kenny, you SLAG!" teased Analidia, "You're telling me that you and a commoner fiddled around together?"
"Oh, hush now. It was merely a one time thing," said the Princess who was getting her hair braided by Duchess Analidia.
"What's his name?" asked Kristen.
"Promise not to tell anyone! But his name was Nelson," she smiled dreamily.
"WAIT. Nelson? The apprentice of the blacksmith who makes the swords for the royal knights?" asked Kristen.
"Yes...yes, that's the one. How do you know him?" Princess Kenny turned around on her stool.
The duchess turned bright red, "Oh, I accidentally ran into him when I was in the market the other day."
"Is that so? Hmm, okay," said Princess Kenny. She squinted at Kristen.
Kristen fumbled to change the subject, "How did you meet him?"
The princess returned to her dreamy trance, "Oh, it was SO romantic. I sneaked out of the castle for some fresh air and strolled through the market, however I misjudged the clouds and it began to pour! I found the closest shelter I could find which was the blacksmith's shop. That's where he and I met and I think I'll skip on the dirty details," winked Kenny.
"Something wrong?" Analidia asked Kristen who was now clenching her fists.
"No, nothing," she said as her expression softened.