Bad Dreams

Guinan gives advice

I sit in my quarters, now, – on the big couch – with a cup of tea in my hand and a blanket over me. It helps, I relax a lot. I forget my dream for the moment and just let this moment take me. I don’t dare closing my eyes, though. My fear to experience my dream again is too big. I rather wait for it for the night. Carefully, I take a sip of my tee and think a little bit. Why has it to be Jean-Luc? It tears me to dream such things about him. Sure, to see Worf and Data in my dream, how they probably being tortured, isn’t nice, too, but seeing Jean-Luc is something else. He means a lot to me. It is exasperating. And with this I desperately put down my cup on the glass table in front of the sofa and let myself fall back. Just for a moment I close my eyes but open them again, shortly after. 

I continue trying to relax but it won’t work as well as I want it to. It is hopeless. I abruptly decide to drink up my tee and then to leave my quarters. Sip by sip I drink off my cup and after half an hour I’m ready to leave. I put away my cup, throw away the blanket, rise from the couch and go to the door. I take a deep breath, one more time, before finally leaving my quarters. Who knows where my legs will take me to?

~~~

Ten Forward; in the end, I arrive at Ten Forward. It is probably good that I am in here. Being alone probably wouldn’t be as good to me as spending my time with someone else. Sure, Deanna said to relax myself but the best way to gain some relaxation is being here, at least to me. I sit down at the counter and wait till Guinan comes to me. There aren’t many people in here. The Enterprise is still in spacedock and only a few crewmembers decided to spend their holidays on the ship. I could only be grateful for Will that he didn’t want to leave the ship and so Deanna stays on board. Whatever, now Guinan comes over to me in order to take my order. I refuse, though, and thank her for asking me.

“Doctor, what brings you here, if you allow the question? Normally, you come here along with Counsellor Troi.” Oh, Guinan. She always knows when something is wrong. “Well, you know, Guinan, as recently as 45 minutes ago I was with her in her office and she advised me to relax a bit. I didn’t take it so long, being alone in my quarters, and now I’m here. Maybe I should return to my quarters.” I am about to stand up again but she keeps me from doing so. “No, no. Please stay. I am part of a race who understands themselves as listeners. Maybe it helps you to feel better.” I think she is probably right. In my body, there is an inner battle about whether to talk to her or not. Sighing, I just decide to talk to her. Guinan is the best listener you could wish for. Deanna is very competent, too, but with Guinan it is something else; Just as it is with Jean-Luc.

“Since three nights I have the same dream all over again. It is a terrible nightmare. Due to Deanna I now know that it has to do something with the events from last week and also that it is associated with my past. It is childish to think about it that much but it tears me to think about it. I will see Deanna again in two days, it probably will help, but I am afraid that this dream will haunt me again tonight.” With that I end my story for now. I mean, I don’t want to bother Guinan with my problem. “I just don’t know what I shall do.” First, I look down onto the counter but then I look back to her. Within the way she looks at me I can see what she is thinking, what she is feeling. I have no other choice than waiting for her to speak to me. A few minutes go by till she finally talks to me. “I can see your problem. The events at Ba’ku must have taken you very much, am I right?” Of course they did. How couldn’t they have taken me? I do not have the heart to tell her with words so I simply nod.

“Doctor Crusher, if I may speak freely, is there a chance that the Captain is involved in this situation?” Shocked, I look at her. Is it that obvious? How else should she have noticed it? “Guinan, how do you know? Is it really that obvious?” I clearly can see a smile on her lips. So it is that obvious. “Don’t worry, Doctor. I do not think the rest of the crew has noticed anything.” Relieved, I ease myself again. “You know, I already spoke to Deanna but do you have any advice. There has to be something I can do; something else than simply relax a bit.” Guinan probably knows something I can do. After all she had a small advice for everyone so far. “I think I can help you a little bit with that. From personal experience I know that you should absolutely talk about it. If the Captain is part of your nightmare then maybe you should talk about it with him.” With him? I shall talk with Captain Jean-Luc Picard about my nightmares? If I really do that he will probably think I am totally crazy. On the other hand, what have I to lose; If it should really help me then I should grab my chance, shouldn’t I?

She is possibly right. I should talk to him. Even if that would mean, taking a risk. “Guianan, you are right. It is probably the best thing to talk to him about my dream. And then in two days I will talk to Deanna again. I appreciate you very much, thank you. You should think about becoming a ships counsellor yourself”, I joke and then stand up. I shortly say my goodbyes and then leave Ten Forward in order to go to my quarters first. After all, I can’t just do this all without any plans. When I reach my quarters, I stop right in the middle of the room and think for a moment. “Computer, where is Captain Picard right now?” I can hear the familiar beep and shortly after that I get my answer with the familiar, evenly voice. “Captain Picard is located in his quarters right now.” Perfect. He could not be at any better place, right now. One more time I look around my quarter before I leave it another time.

Slowly, I walk straight to my door. I have the option to rethink all of this, yet. Oh, what am I thinking? Of course I will not change my mind now. That is something I cannot afford. Guinan will have had something in mind while giving me this advice. She knows the Captain very well, not as well as I do, but still very well. She would never advise me to talk to him if she knew that he would react negatively to it. I nod determined, even if it is just for me, and leave my quarters one more time. I hope this conversation will not become a failure; that would not end well for me. With fast but not suspicious steps I walk along the hall till I reach the turbo lift. His quarters are one deck over mine, the way is thus short. I step into the turbo lift, hands trembling, and give the order. “Deck 7.” The lift starts immediately, my hands still trembling. To task them I take the hem of my top. One could see instantly I am nervous. If one knew why I am nervous, who would blame me for being so?

Deck 7. The doors open and I step into the halls of deck 7. One last time I take a deep breath before, unlike earlier, slowly start walking. Within every step closer to these quarters it becomes harder and harder to walk. It is not like as otherwise customary when I am walking toward his quarters. Normally, I am nor nervous – well, not as nervous as in this moment – nor do I worry about the visit. But this time, it is another situation.  My legs take me further, I am not consciously aware of it. Just as I stay in front of his door I am aware of going to talk with him about my dream. It is silly. I should not worry about it, he must not hear how I feel for him. My hand wanders to the button that activates the doorbell. Now, there is no point of return.