Bad Dreams

Shall I admit it?

I stay in front of the door. Waiting seems endless to me. I probably stay in front of this door for just two minutes but because of my tension it seems endless to me. From the inside I can hear the voice which asks me to come in; familiar and normally soothing. This time it makes me cringe. The door goes open and I enter the quarters. There I see him sitting in his chair and reading. “Beverly. What a pleasure to see you. Please, sit down. Jean-Luc rises and asks me to sit down on the couch. Hesitant, I sit down on the couch. “What brings you here, Beverly?” Again, I hesitate. How shall I begin? The best bet is to take things as they come.  “An hour ago, I had a session with Deanna; afterwards I went to see Guinan.” When I look at him I can clearly see, that he is a little bit worried. It is touching to see that he cares about me. I only wish that it would be out of another reason than our friendship.

“Is everything all right”, he now asks me what causes me to smile lightly. “It is about a dream I am now having for a few nights. I asked the two of them for advice for what I can do against it. Deanna told me to relax a bit and to talk to her again in two days. Guinan told me to talk to someone who is involved in my dream. Well, now I am here.” I now look down onto my hands which still play with the hem of my top. “What was it about?” I cannot tell him what really happened. I have to change something. I do not see another outlet. “The two of us, Data and Worf are on a Planet which asked us for help. When we arrive, we are captured. I am in a dark room. A cell, I think. Then someone comes to see me. The next things I see are the heads of Worf, Data and you.”

One moment, it is completely silent between us. The only thing you can hear is our heartbeats. It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I close my eyes for just a moment and try to push these pictures out of my head. I cannot push them away completely but enough not to think about them. Only when Jean-Luc’s voice reaches my ear I look up. “I can understand why it is horrible for you. It is never a good thing to lose a person you are close to.” He obviously doesn’t understand what is behind this story. That is good… I think; whatever.  Now it is my turn to speak again. “It is unbearable. To see your heads in front of my legs and to know that it is partly my fault. That is the most unbearable thing.” I look at him again. He looks at me, too. We just look into each other’s eyes.

Then there is silence between us again. I know, he is not very good in talking about such things but I also know that he wants to try to help me. While watching into each other’s eyes, I realize something: I won’t get around telling him the truth – To tell him the truth about my dream. To tell him that I feel different for him, as he now thinks. This discovery makes me break the eye contact between us. How shall I tell him? When shall I tell him? I don’t want to tell him right now. First, I should deal with my dream. But it is better to tell him sooner. Shall I get things better right, now? How will he react if I do it later? Could I prevent him from being angry with me, if I tell him right now? I guess so. I guess it will be the best to get things right, now. Why was I even that stupid to tell him not the truth right from the beginning? I am just so confused…

“You know, Jean-Luc, there is something which went a bit different as I told you. Not the three of you were killed. Only one of you was beheaded… you. And your head was directly thrown into my lap.” Now it is out. It is out and I cannot take it back. Where I first though with in the doorbell there was no going back I now know that I was wrong. Now there is no going back. I am into it too deep that I can change anything.  I just can wait for his answer and reaction. “Well, that changes the situation a bit.” I wince. That is the reaction I feared the most. “No, don’t get me wrong. It isn’t a bad thing, but why only me? Is there something I did that makes you imagine such things?” Imagine? That would be nice. Then it would not haunt me every night. No, I dream about it. It is unbearable.

“I…” Then I break off again. What shall I say now? The truth? Or shall I better say that I do not know it either. It takes a moment but then I decide to tell him the truth. “I talked about it with Deanna. She thinks the dream’s reason is that something hurt me and that a person I care about happened more specifically nearly happened something to. All that seems logical to me”, I give him as an answer. “Beverly, you know you can trust me.” I know exactly what he wants to say with that. I have to be more specific. I will only be able to tell him what I told Deanna earlier. “I know that. And I trust you; with all my heart. I… I don’t hold back any secrets.” Lie. Of course I have a secret. One, he will get to know soon enough.

“It is because of Ba’ku. It’s been a week ago and together with Counselor Troi I determined that the mission is the reason for my dream.” My heart starts racing. I have to keep calm. Breathe deeply in and out. Slowly, I start counting. One. Two. Three… My heartbeat regularizes again and I continue speaking. “It…. When you went back, when we were in the cave, in order to get Anij… You could have died and you know that.” Part one is accomplished. So far, so good. I let him rest with my confession and give him time to handle them. I can use the time myself, too. The silence becomes uncomfortable, fast, and I begin to play with the hem of my top again. Jean-Luc probably notices that I am nervous. But maybe he is just busy with my words. Wait and see. Just wait and see.

Finally. Finally his voice breaks through this awkward silence. That is what I have been waiting for. At least he has to say something to my confession, hasn’t he? Did I make a mistake by telling him? I am just too unconfident. It will all have its reason, I just have to be patient and stop worrying about things. Easier said than done… “I know that. I didn’t want you to worry about me. I never thought that you would worry that much about me, Beverly. I am sorry. But I couldn’t leave Anij on her own, she would have died.” There it was again. Anij. She is the reason for all of this. If she had not existed, Jean-Luc would have never been in danger, would have never hurt me, I would never have had this dream and most important: I would not be sitting here being enclosed in telling him about my feelings for him. “But what hurt you? Who hurt you?” Again he worries about me, I can see it.

There is an ironic laugh that escapes my throat before answering him. “You. You hurt me.” And with this it begins. All the things I went through till this moment with this god damn dream was just preparation for what will follow now. “I? How… What did I do that would have hurt you?” He really doesn’t know? Hasn’t he seen how I suffered under his actions? Actually I cannot blame him; I tried to hide it all. It seems I was successful. But he cannot be that unobservant, can he? I sigh and think about how I shall clarify him. What have I left to lose? Nothing. “Anij. That’s what you did. Do I really have to explain you what hurt me that much?” – “Beverly, I don’t understand…” But I do not give him time to continue talking. “Damn it, Jean-Luc. You hurt me because you started a relationship with this woman!” I grow angrier.

“Damn it, Jean-Luc”, I repeat. “Do you really do not see it?” Silence. Nothing but silence. But then I do not hold it back anymore and become a bit louder. “I love you, Jean-Luc.” And finally it is out.