Bad Dreams

Happy in the end

“Damn it, Jean-Luc”, I repeat. “Do you really do not see it?” Silence. Nothing but silence. But then I do not hold it back anymore and become a bit louder. “I love you, Jean-Luc.” And finally it is out.

Damn it. Now I cannot take it back anymore. It is out and I probably ruined our friendship and embarrassed myself, too. I probably should be going right now but I cannot get it over myself to stand up and just leave him back on his own. That would only ruin everything permanently.  I lean back, close my eyes and wait. Again I am waiting. It is exasperating. How do I always manage to blow up things that are important to me? I never wanted to ruin the relationship I cherish to Jean-Luc in any kind of way. No, I really do not want this. Why isn’t he saying something? Please, he just has to say something so that I am not a complete fool. My hands start shivering again. I encompass the hem between my hands tightly in order to subdue the shivering. Sadly it does not work like I want it to.

“I… I should not have said that. You do not have to say something relating to this. You simply wanted me to tell you the reason and I just got angry and then it simpl-“ I do not get any further because he stops me by putting one of his fingers onto my mouth. Of course I become silent immediately. What is he going to say? How will he react? What will he do? So many questions go around my head but I do not know the answer for any of these questions. My full concentration is now with him. For at least one long minute he has his finger on my lips without saying even one word. Never before a minute seemed so long to me like it does in this moment. But there is a first time for everything, isn’t it? “Beverly? Be quiet for a moment!” He takes his finger off of my lips. A soft coolness goes over them.

“I never wanted to hurt you. You know I would never hurt you on purpose.” That is true. In these 25 years we now know each other he never, never, hurt me on purpose. “I am sorry that I hurt you Ba’ku. I had no clue that you feel for me that way.” Why can’t he just say if he feels the same about me? Does he really have to keep me on tenterhooks? If he talks all the time just to tell me, in the end, he does not love me, he better says it now. I would not be able to bear it.  “You are my closest confident, always has been and always will be. You can tell me everything, no matter what it is. I will always be there for you.” Please, just say it. Just say you do not love me. “Jean-Luc…” I do not say any more. I do not have to. He understands me. He always does.

“I can trust you with everything and can talk about everything with you. You are there for me, if I need your advice. But what I really want to tell you is”, Now it is time. Now I will finally get to know how it will go on. I still look at him, my hands still at the hem of my top. “Beverly, I love you. Always have. When we first met, when you were with Jack, when you two married.” My eyes grow wider. Full of excitement I look at him. Did he really just tell me he feels the same about me as I do about him? That can impossibly be real. I expected everything. That he shouts at me, laughs at me, just tells me he does not love me. But I never reckon without him feeling the same about me.

My mouth opens up a bit but no words come out of it. They are sticking in my throat, closing it, making it impossible for me to say something. I notice some tears streaming down my face. His hand rises as he leans forward and wipes away my tears. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to order my thoughts. When I open up my eyes again I notice him still looking at me. “I just didn’t expect this answer.” I laugh a bit and look straight into is eyes again. The he takes my hand and softly brushes his thumb over the back of it. For a long time now I longed for such a touch that did not need an excuse.

Happily, I enjoy this moment; take it in in its full abundance. Jean-Luc Picard loves me; has always loved me. I could not be any happier. Slowly, I lean forward, get closer to his face and stop a few inches in front of his face. I look deeply into his eyes and can clearly see his love for me. Then I dare it. I lay my lips softly onto his and kiss him. It is a soft and reserved kiss. We kissed before but it always was at a level of friendship. This time it is different. I kiss him as my beloved. My hands go behind his head and pull him closer to me. His hands find my waist and pull me closer, too. He stands up and sits down next to me on the couch. We sit there like two teenagers in love. Anyways, it does not bother me. And it seems like it does not bother him, too. We both waited too long for this moment to bother.

After what seems like an endless while we part again and look into each other’s eyes. A soft laugh escapes my throat. “Don’t you dare starting a relationship with anyone else ever again. Last week I nearly ripped off Anij head because of your relationship”, I joke. Whereby… Actually it is true. I hated her! I hated her because she had Jean-Luc’s full attention and I had not. Now, whereas I have him, all the hate I have for Anij disappears. There is no reason anymore. “Ma chérie, I have no reason to do that.” He smiles at me softly and puts his hand onto my cheek just to brush over it tenderly. I lean into his touch, closing my eyes for a moment and saying only one word. “Good”.  Only now, where the uncertainty is wiped away my shoulders, I notice how exhaust I am. After all I am short of sleep within the last few days. I yawn slightly which does not avoid him. “You should rest a bit, mon Coeur.” I just nod as an answer.

Then he rises and pulls me onto my feet. He leads me into the bedroom and brings me to his bed. I notice fast how the warmth enwraps me and I drift into sleep. He lies next to me on the other side and loops his arm around my waist. I know he will not sleep but the feeling to have him next to me is wonderful. I feel secure. Slowly, I close my eyes before drifting into sleep completely.

~~~

When I wake up later the evening and turn around, I see Jean-Luc still lying next to me. A soft smile comes across my lips. “Did you sleep well”, I hear his soft voice. I never slept any better, never in my life. “Yes, wonderful!” “I suppose the nightmare doesn’t haunt you anymore?” My smile gets bigger. No, finally he is gone. Finally, I can sleep well again. But the best of the situation: I can wake up next to the man I love with all my heart. I snuggle closer into Jean-Luc. “With you there will be no more nightmares.” I close my eyes and enjoy the moment. As long as Jean-Luc Picard is by my side I will never have a nightmare again. Never again.