Drunk Confessions of a Best Man (s.m)

The First Time They Met

One month left...

Down memory lane, eh? What the fuck am I writing right now. Should I add a dear Shawn or what? I sound fucking stupid but this whole thing I'm doing is stupid in general so who gives a shit, no one will ever see it anyway.

I remember how we first met, bumping into each other at the AMAs. Holy fuck it was just that moment and we traded apologies before we rushed to our seats but first off, I might've tossed this thought out right after it came but you look really good in a suit. And yeah, also, you didn't leave my mind the whole night. Something told me I had to reach out to ya and I couldn't ignore it. I'm not the hide my feelings type. You know that. You know me. So that was really the reason I sent that message telling you how Holding Me Back was my favourite song of yours.

What you didn't know was that I got nervous to speak to you. Till this day, I'm not sure why. Maybe my brain just knew this was going to become something more and reacted accordingly but it took me more than it should've to send you that message. I literally had to take a swig before I did it, like a child, really.

God, I'm embarrassed just seeing it written down. But yeah, it's the truth. What I didn't expect, though, was for you to answer back. That since One D split up, you'd listened to a few of our solo songs. Still can't believe one of my songs made you cry. Or that you, as shy as you say you are when it comes to new people, said these exact words. You were always my bias. And you added a winky face! Fucking blew me away that someone with a voice like that could pick me out of the boys. I always did feel like a bit of a side act that didn't serve much purpose in the band but that... That really brought me up that day.

So I replied you with a stupid meme. And you replied me with a meme of me. I laughed till I cried that night. How the fuck did we befriend each other so fast? I'll never understand it. As different as we are... Again. Guess the universe just knows what it's doing. It made me fall in love with you, after all, right mate?

God. Those words. Can't tell you how many times I'd sang love songs before you, not knowing what it truly meant to feel that way. But now, I do. And it's terrifying. Cos you wanna know why I'm writing this, Shawn Peter Raul fucking Mendes? Why I picked up this random notebook, drunk off my ass at 3am to write to you? I'm writing this cos you're getting married. You two shared it with the world, though you told me beforehand, of course. A part of me died when I saw you post a selfie with her, rings on your outstretched fingers, grinning at each other and staring into each other's eyes like you'd just downed a bottle o

I went to throw up. Guess I can't even stomach the thought. But it's going to happen. And I blame myself cos I could've gotten you. Asked you out when I had the chance. But she swiped you. So now I only have memories. Like this one in my head right now, of when we first met. And now, I'm sitting here with this pen in my hand, crying. I don't so much remember the blur of conversation. What I remember is how much I laughed. How surprised I was that you were even nicer than I'd already gotten the impression of from the telly.

I thought for sure the conversation would die out after that but you didn't let it. Then I thought you pitied me but when I got drunk sometime in the future, weeks later and texted that you didn't have to keep up the act that we're friends with a laughing emoji so you wouldn't take me too serious, you sent me a whole rant about how I was funny and witty and sweet and how lucky you were to have such a fun texting buddy. But I'm the lucky one. Always have been, you can't change my mind.

God... I feel like I've gotten off track but I don't know. There was never a track in the first place. I just wanted to get it out and since I can't ramble about my feelings for you when you're fucking engaged and all, I suppose I'll just... Write in here once in a while? Fuck I don't know. I must've gone mad. But well, who wouldn't when they have to watch the person they love plan their forever with someone else?

I'm too drunk for this. Getting tired. Shit my handwriting is crap, innit?

You'll never read this. But I'm gonna say it again anyway. I love you, Shawn. I'm in love with you, Shawn Peter Raul Mendes. I'm sorry I didn't say it before. I'm sorry I waited till it was too late. And I hope you're happy now... Cos I'm not.