Drunk Confessions of a Best Man (s.m)

When Shawn Told Niall He Loved Him

One week left...

I was reading what I've written so far lol. Last time, I was just really horny from having to watch you take off and put on fucking suits. I love a person in a suit, fuck the gender, just wear that then take it all off for me. Or a pretty dress too ughhhh being a pansexual makes you gay for just about everything. Pans included, ofc ;)

Wonder how you'd feel if you ever read any of these. Surprised, I'm sure. But that would just be an initial reaction. How would you really feel? Would you think I was joking? You'd probably read my face even if I lied that it was just a prank so eh. Would you hate me? Would I lose you? I can't lose you, Shawn. I can't. That's why I'm drinking, see? So when you came by today to check up on me and noticed it was messier than usual, when you kissed my forehead and told me you were worried about me, when you gave me that smile of yours that says I care about you so stop being a dolt... You only made me want to drink more. So haha, dum-dum!

Course I didn't say a word the whole time while you babied me. Made me change clothes cos apparently alcohol had poured on this... Didn't notice. Made me eat. It tasted like nothing, by the way. Even food hates me now, cos of you, Mendes. I should be entitled to financial compensation for what you've done to my heart and mind, tbh. My body's certainly suffering for it, too but I could care less, I just want reality to be completely different so you don't have to stand at that altar with her.

You know what's probably the worst part about all of this? I could've fixed this. You gave me the perfect chance. To prevent this with one simple move. Accepting my feelings.

You told me you loved me. Remember? Do you remember? Do I even cross your mind at all, these days? Anyway... You did. You told me you love me. I remember pretty clearly cos it was after a round of golf. You're absolute shit at it and I beat you like it was nothing and you just kept smiling at me, even after I'd made fun of you so much. I asked you why you had that stupid look on your face and you said I was glowing. You said that made you happy. I thought you were crazy.

Then, as I was driving to the next point, you just... Spat it out. God, I love you. That's what you said. Bout me. You looked like you were trying to take back the words once you realised it hadn't been said quiet enough but I had already stopped the cart in the middle of the way and was now stumbling away on the green, struggling with how to process that, how to respond to that.

For whatever reason, the first thing you could think of doing was apologising. No, not tell me it was a joke or that you meant it platonically. You said you didn't mean for it to slip out like that, you said you felt embarrassed. And I asked you, for what? Your eyes lit up for a moment, there. I could only wonder why the possibility of being with me made you so excitable. But then I added that it didn't make any sense and that light simply drained out of your eyes.

It's awful stuff, watching your person's mood dampen right in front of you. Especially when you're the cause. But I really couldn't do anything about it. See, the reason why it just didn't make sense to me are as follows (yes I'm listing them, I'm trying to forget how good you smelled when you came close to tuck me into bed so fuck off and let me do my shit).

1. I'm Niall. Just Niall. Why could anyone wants that?

2. You haven't even been in a proper relationship before, how would you know you're in love?

3. You're too young to know love, said me, guy who back then didn't know what the fuck love actually was either

4. As mentioned in number 3, I didn't know what love is. Or so I thought.

5. Umm not sure what to put here. Hmm. Eh, let's go with the obvious, you're a wonderful celestial being walking among us inferior humans cos ur so amazing u choose to associate with our kind while I'm a dumpster fire who couldn't even keep my friend group, my brothers, family. I couldn't even keep my family from being torn apart all those years ago

Or maybe for number five, I should write that I promised food years ago that we'd be soulmates forever, just like in a lot of the Larry Ziam fanfics. Anywho. Where was I? Ah, yeah. I talked a lot after that. Said I did love you but like a brother. Why tf would I say that? How would that possibly help someone who just confessed feelings for you? But talking wasn't helping. So I drove you back to the car park, you got in your car and drove away. Didn't even spare me a glance.

I made you cry... You must've broken down so bad. Unrequited feelings are a bitch. I should know cos the universe said fuck you and threw it back in my face, not that I don't deserve worse for making a literal angel shed tears over my stupid self. I tried to talk to you but you were never available. Ever. Then you sent me a text that changed the game weeks later. It reads as follows: Sorry I've been so busy, between my new gf and working on my new album, I've got zero free time.

I should've known when my heart shattered and I could barely breathe re-reading that text to make sure I'd seen right, that there was more than what met the eye going on when it came to you. Or when I faked a smile as I typed something teasing in reply. But no. I'm fucking oblivious, as you know and as always, you must be patient with me. This time my ability to have quite literally everything fly over my head cost me more than I could ever have dreamed of, though.

I'm sorry I made you cry. Okay? You brush it off whenever I tried to apologise but again. I'm so sorry. Especially since I made the discovery that I do, in fact know what love is. Cos as dumb as I am, I found it with you. A little too late to realise but well... Again, angel, I love you. I love you a stupid, crazy amount. I am so gonna drown myself in alcohol after your shit wedding.