Drunk Confessions of a Best Man (s.m)

The First Time They Separated

Two weeks, two days left...

I spent all my time in America with you after that night. Literally. That's what always happens when we travel to either of each other's countries. We both become home bodies. Cos usually, I'm a total extrovert and I love going out and being around people. But with you, my energy never shifted once. I didn't get bored or restless, I just wanted it to keep happening. But then I had to go back home.

I remember when we were at the airport after those nights watching series and the Grammys and that one Barbie movie I can't place the name of. We laughed the whole way there like it wasn't a big deal. One of the things about us is we tease like mad men but fuck, the bond we share is real. It's real. I knew that when you cried as I was about to leave. I just had to rush back and give you a hug before I left. That was the first time we hugged, actually.

Those disguises really saved us. Imagine what the net would've done if they saw that. #shiallmoran would actually start trending. All the Shiall shippers really have is an interview and the couple of other times we've talked about each other, I suppose but if they knew what really goes on between us? If they chose a random day and went through our way too flirty texts? Pretty sure there would be mass fainting across the globe lol.

I might've teased you about crying over me but I was a mess the moment I got on that plane. See?? I should've fucking known there was something there after this! But nope. Told myself we had gotten way too attached anyway. Told myself that with you in the US and me back in Europe, we'd end up not talking anymore and that you'd only cried in the heat of the moment. Cos it didn't make sense to me that I could feel so close to someone so fast and that someone could feel that way back.

I might be a friendly guy but to be so attached to you I had to keep myself from crying after days of only seeing your face? I was terrified. So I gaslighted myself and met my favourite drinking buddy, good old Lewis Capaldi in a desperate bid to forget about you for a while and move on. To be honest, I've listened to his music a shit ton since I realised what I felt for you.

Fuck. Lewis. Now that I think about it, he had that knowing look in his eye that pissed me off. It's that type of look where you don't know if the person is joking or serious so you just get frustrated cos they won't tell you shit and laugh it off. And that was after I ranted about you. Apparently, by my drunken rambling at his place, I called you my soulmate. I added that I meant it platonically but he just gave me that look with an even more confusing smile and I passed it off as him being a fucking weirdo and cunt, as usual. Younger me was incorrect. He was not being a weirdo, nor a cunt, for once.

I wish he'd told me. But I'd have denied it. How the fuck was I supposed to believe something like that? That I could want to be with someone so much when I only got to know them a week? Shit sounds like a movie and romance movies are alright but for that to happen irl?

I shouldn't make myself sad feeling like this. It's so much nicer to just look back at how oblivious I was and smile at my stupidity. But I just wonder... Did you feel this for her, too? I mean... Were you already down bad within a week? Cos shit, Shawn, I was. I totally was and I didn't even know it, yet. All the times Lewis has teased me for smiling at my phone reading your texts... All the time he would jokingly tell me to just propose to you already... The man has been a dark shialler from the get-go.

Next time I see him, I'll pummel him. Might be a while tho cos I've been keeping my distance a bit from everyone. Used wedding planning as an excuse so if any of the guys shoot an angry text your way, that's my bad. I'm sure they understand, tho. They know how much I care about you. I'm sure they knew there was something there too cos they also teased me relentlessly so bottom line, everyone knew I was hopeless for you except you and I. They're a good lot but let's just say bringing your name up even one in conversation leads to 'let's pick on Niall for half an hour' fun time.

I'd go through weeks of that with no end if I knew you would be mine at the end of it. But you aren't a prize to be won and someone else got sensible first. I'll be fucking damned, lol. I feel sick again. Don't remember when I wrote that first letter... Been getting drunk a lot these days but I remember throwing up. That was gross. I should stop writing, I clearly am not concentrating anymore. I hope you're having a great night with your beautiful, smart, witty fiancee. And I fucking love you by the way, just in case you forget, love of my life that will never see this.