Drunk Confessions of a Best Man (s.m)

The First Time They Hung Out

Three weeks, three days left...

I remember, the day after the AMAs, we were still talking. And I don't know how but one thing led to another and you were in my house. We moved at lesbian speed my guy. We shoulda been endgame. And I'm gonna stop talking like this before I smack myself in the fucking head.

Why tf am I writing day after like you didn't show up at my house at like 2AM? I mean, the way we told that interviewer, it sounded like we spaced things out I'm sure. We... Did not. I'm an impulsive person. Again, I'm not great at concealing shit. So I told you I was watching a barbie movie that had just come out for the laughs of it, you said you hadn't watched one of those in years cos you used to with your sister. I asked you to come over. You teased me about wanting to have you all to myself. And I honestly said maybe I did.

You know what? I will never, ever understand how it didn't occur to me for that long that I felt something for you. Dude. You walked in the door, threw your jacket on my couch with a shy grin and I was captivated. First off, don't ever roll your sleeves again, that's just too sexy a look. On anybody but especially you. Fuck. And then you sunk your hands into the pockets of those palazzo trousers... I'm going to stop being a simp, now.

Jesus, that movie wasn't even funny. It was on too loud and I barely paid any attention because we were so drunk and high off our asses that we laughed at everything. Point out a stupid thing, mock something they said, giggle like idiots. You've always been able to make me happy, haven't you? It's like you flip a switch. My brain is yours to toy with, really and you have no idea. You have no clue how much control you have over me.

Why the fuck are you getting married? I know I was stupid and slow and blind but why couldn't you just wait a little longer? Why couldn't you just have not found Camila? Shit. I don't want to remember that. I'm going back to the happy memory. Even though I'm crying again just thinking about it.

We woke up. Or rather, I woke and then you did. And we were just cuddled up. How did we end up sleeping like that? I've always wondered if you put your head on my shoulder on purpose. Guess we'll never know. But you gave me a smile, told me that was the best time you'd had in quite a bit and I felt this strong urge to make every day the best for you. Because your soul is so pure and so bright that you deserve it. You deserve everything.

But I kept that to myself, of course. Sounded a bit too crazy. Oh, if I only knew just how crazy I would get when it came to you. If I only knew. But what I did do was say you were special. You gave a laugh and smacked my chest, blushing just slightly. I wanted you to believe me because I just knew I'd found a gem of a human but again, didn't want to make it weird. You were probably straight. It would be stupid to ruin what could be a great friendship because I wanted to compliment you. I was freaked out you were one of those heteros who gets scared if something they do comes off even remotely fruity. So I backed off.

I shouldn't have backed off. God I wish I'd kissed you. At that point, it didn't really cross my mind, other than once as an intrusive thought of sorts. But now I think of all the chances I've had and missed. Imagine if I'd rose your chin, looked into your eyes and said I meant it, then just gone for it? Imagine if I'd pressed you against the couch and showed you just how willing I was to prove I believed in what I said?

Great. I'm a little horny, now. This is meant to be about love and heartbreak but noooo our friendly neighbourhood dick wants to act up. Oh well. I guess jacking off is better than thinking about all this shit, anymore, right? Bye for now, Shawn. Still love you. And also don't hate me for going bricks up at the thought of you, you're really fucking hot and it's been slowly but surely killing me for years.