The holidays passed in a blur. During this time, I had taken Luke and Emma uniform shopping (which they both found quite boring until we encountered a cake shop), been on a few more days out with the kids and Simon (to the park, cinema and a farm), and just spent time with everybody, as a complete family.
Grandma Anna found time to visit towards the last week. She came bearing presents - matching soft toys for Emma and Luke, which brought back unwanted memories of the unfortunate teddy Oliver for me. Nothing was said, but knowing looks were exchanged between Simon and me.
Anna fussed over and adored Emma immediately, coaxing her to sit on her knee within a few minutes of entering the house. Emma obliged, seeming equally thrilled with the attention she was receiving. She later told me she had never had a Grandma before.
"Isn't she lovely?" her new relative cried, bobbing her up and down on her lap like a baby. Emma squealed in delight, gripping onto her knees, whilst Luke looked on, enviously. I allowed them to have a few minutes of fun before intervening.
"Come give me a hand with making drinks please, Emma," I eventually said. I wasn't intending to be mean - she found it fun lending a hand in the kitchen - but I wanted to give Luke a chance to have his grandma to himself for a while. It was only fair.
"I've always wanted a granddaughter," Anna whispered to me, later on in the day. "It seems the Lord has finally answered my prayers!"
I laughed with her - we were not the least bit religious.
Everything seemed to draw to a close as quickly as it had started. Before I knew it, I was preparing sandwiches and packing bags in preparation for the first day back at school. Then, it was time to tuck two children, who were both excited and disappointed at the same time, into bed an hour earlier than usual.
I paused at the door of Emma's bedroom. The brightness from the corridor poured through the gap, lighting up her face in the midst of the dimness.
How can I ever come to imagine my life without this child? I pondered. In so many ways she has become my own. Then I closed the door, cutting off the light.
Later that night, I had a terrible nightmare. It consisted of me awakening to find the house empty - with no Luke or Emma in sight. Only, in this dream, Emma did not exist. Through my screaming and crying in fear for Luke, I did not spare a thought for my daughter.
Emma did feel like my child. After her being in my care for about six weeks, I had grown accustomed to her irrational behaviour and was beginning to love her deeply and unconditionally. I knew I had no problems in accepting her as my own, yet I longed to know exactly what happened to Emma in her past life and what exactly I needed to prepare for in the future. And there was also a small part of me that knew I would always put Luke first, no matter what, as my terrible dream had demonstrated. It was awful to admit, but I knew I could never bring myself to love my adopted child in the same way as the one I had carried for nine months.
* * *
The children wolfed down a hearty breakfast of eggs, toast and beans in the morning. As they ate, I studied Emma, noting how much healthier she was looking. She had put on some weight over the summer holiday and her skin was tanned and glowing from spending hours playing out in the sun with Luke and Barney.
"Give me a smile," I commanded as I took out my mobile and captured this beautiful moment - I had been refraining from taking photographs most of the holiday, because Emma hadn't seemed very comfortable with them, but there was no holding me back now!
SNAP
I checked everything once, twice and a third time for luck when I packed their school bags, imagining the look of horror on Emma's face if she didn't have a pen for class or her lunch on her first day at school.
"Come over here!" I cried, when I had finished triple-checking, grabbing their hands and yanking them towards the front door for another photograph. "Now smile!"
SNAP
When Simon came downstairs for breakfast, I made him stand behind Emma and Luke.
SNAP
Then I shoved the phone in his hands, so he could take one of me with them,
SNAP
before finishing off with a slightly awkward family "selfie".
SNAP
I knew, in years to come, I would look back on these pictures, cherishing the memories they had captured. Later that day, I visited the local department store to purchase a new photo album - a new one that would hold images of a new family - and print off the first photographs of a hopefully massive collection. The thought of this filled me with a feeling of contentment because I could begin filling it as soon as I got back home.
The next pictures (after the early ones in the kitchen) were of Emma and Luke strapped into the car, with grins of nervousness and excitement plastered onto their faces.
SNAP
And the final picture was taken after I had kissed my children goodbye for the day and let them go, watching them walking hand-in-hand through the school gates.
SNAP
YOU ARE READING
Emma
Horror"What are you hiding?" Emma has no family. That's why she's being adopted. "Nothing." She is a beautiful child, a perfect child. How could anybody not want her? "What have you done?" Because there's nothing wrong with her, surely. Or at least that's...
