3am thoughts

12-11-21

I'm starting to cry again...it's hard...being a senior high school is hard, I've been separated from my friends since I chose HUMSS instead of stem.

Is my decision right? Can I survive this challenge without hurting myself? It's hard and I don't know what to do anymore...Please help me

As I'm writing this, my tears kept falling and the worst part is I don't even know the reason why I'm crying in the first place. Hahaha sounds pathetic right? Because it is..

I still have a lot of school works to do but my body and mind isn't cooperating with me, I want to do it..really..but I just can't get myself to do it, heh I'm such a coward for not facing my problems and kept running away from my responsibilities.

I know my friends are tired of me for always telling them my problems, but what can I do? That's the only time I get to fully expressed myself. Am I in the wrong again?? That's why I'm used to being alone. My life consists of me laying down in my bed all day not doing anything I just don't have the reason to get up. I have no motivation to.

I feel bad for my parents and friends, they have so much expectations for me I'm afraid I will disappoint them, they're the only reason why I still chose to wake up in the morning to attend class.

Hindi ko na kaya...pero kailangan eh para sa "future" ko. I know that this is only an obstacle in my life, but what If I can't continue anymore? This is not like any other transmigration story where I get to have a second chance here If you choose to retreat then that indicates that the game is over.

Even I don't have the motivation to continue my stories, I promised my readers to finish my stories but I'm really sorry how can I write happy scenarios when I myself is experiencing the worst? I truly apologize to my readers, I realized that life is not as grand as what stories explained. Life can be joyful but also can be despicable whereas, us people still believed that someday our lives will experience the best things, but what greets us are challenges that kept torturing us day by day.

I don't know what to believe anymore, as if all of the things I've learned are not that important compare to myself. I want to change really but society is cruel and keeps bringing back my insecurities. Even if I tried so hard, If it's not my time then I cannot do anything and just watched how others accomplish their goals. I know that everyone has their own challenges in life but I can't help but be jealous on how they face it with confidence and determination. I wish I was like you..

I'm starting to feel sleepy ZZZ but there's still a lot of things in my head. I have no expectations for tomorrow, let's just wish that I wake up perfectly fine :>

I stopped crying, thank god for that I don't even know if I can continue to cry tomorrow I'm hoping not to :> I'm lost and confused, can someone help me get me back on track? Please help me..before it's too late.

I'm going to sleep ig :> I finally got to expressed my feelings freely without getting judged, I feel relieve and disappointed to myself..

I hope I get to inspire you to let your feelings or thoughts be heard as they are important. Nothings wrong in crying as long as your not hurting anybody, the only problem is were hurting ourselves and some of us are not even aware.

The lesson for today is: "Life can be joyful but can also be despicable"