hyunlix oneshots

bleeding roots

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Hyunjin's POV

It had become a habit. To sit on the balcony every night, shivering from the obnoxious coldness while holding a paint-coated brush. Just as it also became a habit to mindlessly stare at the sky for hours.

The occasional breeze pierces through my skin, almost overtaking the numbness. Almost. I let out a frustrated sigh as I run a hand through my blonde hair. Looking at the canvas, I can't say that I'm disappointed. But I'm not satisfied either.

The soft-looking colors bleed into each other perfectly. And even though it resembles him perfectly, I feel empty as his eyes stare right back at me. I scoff at my idiocy. Why am I being so dramatic?

I can hear footsteps. My breath gets caught in my throat for a second, but I exhale relieved as the noises fade. I apply just a few more dots to the canvas as a finishing touch. 

"I thought we talked about this before, Hyunjin. You agreed not to paint in the cold anymore, remember?" Jisung's voice startles me and my mind starts racing with worries. He can't see me like this. Not now.

"I needed some fresh air." I try to convince him. Even if my back is facing him, I can tell he has that knowing look on his face. It's difficult to persuade him when we literally live under the same rooftop.

A year ago we moved from our dorm. We knew it was the start of a new chapter. But I never imagined it being the ending of my very own book. In other words, moving was the cause of my downfall, the cause of my second hiatus.

"Please take care of yourself, hyung. I'm worried about you. We all are." Jisung's tone sounds so heartbroken, yet I can't face him and hug him. He can't see my long-time suffering. Even though I'm numb, my heart still sinks when I see the member's worried faces. And I don't want my heart sinking again. Because, maybe, just maybe, this time it wouldn't resurface. And maybe, I don't want to drown just yet.

"I'm fine, Jisung. I'll be fine." It's a lie. It's all a ruthless lie. It feels so wrong lying always. But what I'm going through is also wrong, immoral, and unfair. Unfair from many points of view. The silence is unsettling me deeply, and the fact that I can't see Jisung's expression adds to the anxiety.

"Hyunjin."

"What?"

"Hyunjin." Something in Jisung's voice was different this time. And it scares me. My eyes land on my rolled-up sleeves. I just freeze. No, no, no. This is not supposed to happen.

"What the hell is this, Hyunjin? Show me your arms!" Jisung grabs my hands and turns me around. His eyes are widened, and seeing tears dwelling up causes guilt to rush over my body. "You suffer from Hanahaki? Why didn't you tell us? Tell me!?" 

This is exactly the reason I didn't. I don't want my friends' pity. Nor do I want to be the reason for their worry. Though I have a pretty clear image of the end. I know my passing is going to hurt them, and not only. Fans are going to be devastated. But I can't help it...I'm longing for my last breath. 

"I couldn't. I'm sorry." This is all I can say. My mind is clouded with thoughts. My body is not shaking from the cold anymore, but because of anxiety and worry. "Please don't tell the others!" I plead. I sound so desperate, I'm aware. But I don't care right now.

Jisung looks at me with his already puffy red eyes. I can see his heart breaking as he examines the roots crawling out underneath my skin. To say he is shocked is an understatement. And to say that my world collapsed is also an understatement. I never wanted to see my friends like this. "They have the right to know, Hyun."

Jisung bites his lip to prevent himself from crying. It hurts to watch this scene unfold. "Who is it?" his question catches me completely off-guard. Though, I should've expected it. I can feel a few drops rolling down my cheek. He wraps his arms around me and I instantly melt onto his hug. It has been months since I got to feel someone's touch. I didn't realize how much I was craving it until this moment.

All I can focus on is the warmth of my friend's embrace. For a brief second, I can ignore the excruciating pain of the plants' roots stabbing through my skin. But it doesn't last long because Jisung pulls away.

"So...Felix, huh?"

I turn around to face the canvas once again. "Yes, it's...Felix."

"You should tell him."

"Are you insane?" I huff, looking at Han with wide eyes. "I can't just confess to a man who's getting married in a few days. How would Changbin feel? I don't want to ruin their relationship. And imagine what would the fans think if they found out about all of this! This is a terrible idea!" My rants go on and on, as I fully freak out. I'm so thankful that Han listens to my ramble and tries to understand. 

In this panicked state, I could sense the tingly feeling in my throat. I place my hand over Jisung's shoulder for support as my throat fills up with sharp petals. I start coughing uncontrollably, and the petals scratch my insides. The only thought that crosses my mind now is: I hate this. Those are the only words that ring loudly inside my head. I can't focus, and I can feel myself slipping away. 

Jisung's voice washes away, fading with every word. All the panic and pain drift away, faltering into the darkness of the night. My eyes capture the murky sky. From the many stars I admired minutes ago, only one shines brightly enough. Only one shines like him. Like Felix.

And even if this isn't the way I wished my book ended, I feel ready. I feel ready to take my last breath as daisies flow out of my throat. 

I guess the sunflower finally bloomed. -It's my last thought, as I remember how scared I used to be of this moment. Daisies are such pretty, small flowers. Coughing them up reminded me of Felix's adorable appearance, of his soft giggles. It reminded me of the time I gave him a daisy. Daisies are composed of two flowers that blend together to form one lasting bloom. 

But perhaps I'm not his daisy. Or perhaps it's all a lie. I can't tell anymore. Ever since I found out about the sunflower inside my lungs, I couldn't stop myself from making up scenarios. Scenarios of my death, of the last day. I was scared. I thought it's going to hurt. But it doesn't. Instead, I'm so relieved. The blood gushing out of my mouth doesn't have a metallic taste anymore, and the roots don't hurt either. But I feel cold, even in Jisung's comforting embrace. 

All the memories we shared together flash before my eyes; me teasing him because of the size of his tiny hand, late-night snacks after exhausting dance practices, stargazing while everyone else was asleep. And all of that is gone...just because we moved. Just because Changbin had to switch houses. But who am I to blame them? I just wish I could see him before I go. I wish I could hold his hand and see his bright smile. I wish I wasn't a coward. Because if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have to suffer now. But I let it all happen.

For the last time, I glance at the painting, seeing Felix's eyes staring right back at me.
And now I know...this is the end, my last chapter.

"Art is born out of pain."

"That's not true, Hyunjin! Why are you so pessimistic? Draw someone you love! Then your art is not going to be, and I quote, born out of pain."

"Okay, Felix. If you say so. Take a seat."

"Wait-You want to draw...me?"

"I don't want my art to be born out of pain anymore, Lix. So take a seat."