'There is a silent cry that only I can hear,
The silent cry that you've been hiding for a while.'
~
"You're tired."
"Am not."
The same answer every time. Felix sighs. He can see right through Hyunjin. The boy is beyond exhausted, he barely has the energy to open his puffy eyes, and Felix has to watch him struggle every day. He wants to help Hyunjin. He really does. But he's simply unapproachable.
"How can you not see? He's exhausted! He needs a break, Chan!" Felix says, his tone rising with every word as everyone stares at him weirdly. They were having dinner together; everyone was seated around the table, only Hyunjin was missing.
"It's all in your head, Felix. He's fine. I was with him the whole day, he was totally alright. Stop worrying." Minho comments before stuffing his mouth with food.
"Yeah, Lix. Relax! You know him better than anyone. He's a perfectionist that's why he practices until late."
"He would have told us if there was something wrong. Now, please, take a seat and eat." Chan says and Felix gives in, taking the bowl from his hands. He has a bad feeling. Something was definitely not alright.
"Good morning, Hyunjin!" Felix's voice echoes through the dance studio. He beams with joy until he approaches the taller boy, who looks paler than usual. A frown forms on his face, and Hyunjin feels guilty.
"Morning, Lix." he greets the freckled boy, trying to sketch on a smile.
"You've been practicing the whole night, right?"
There is a moment of silence. Hyunjin wishes he could lie and plainly answer: no. But looking into Felix's eyes, he can't do that. He can't lie to his boyfriend. But he also doesn't want to worry him. There is a battle inside his mind, all his thoughts clash together, as heaviness floods his body.
Felix, on the other hand, can see Hyunjin biting his lip anxiously as his eyes travel between his freckly face and the wall behind him. He sees the taller fidgeting with his fingers and knows that his anxiety is high. He knew there was something wrong. And this reaction only proves his point.
"It's alright." Felix says as Hyunjin widens his eyes. He takes the taller one's hand into his smaller one. "I understand if you don't want to talk about it. I just wish you could tell me what's on your mind. I don't want you to bottle up your emotions."
Hyunjin's mind is all hazy; he needs a few seconds to register Felix's words. He stares at his boyfriend's freckles, as he lazily blinks. They are still holding hands, and it somehow feels comforting. It feels warm. So warm that he might just get used to it. And he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to obsess over a touch.
The guilt inside his stomach is devouring him agonizingly slow. Or maybe it was the hunger. He can't tell. But he sure feels like his soul dropped.
"I'm fine, Lix." he says, not even paying attention to his words. He repeated them inside his head so many times that it became a habit, a reflex. 'I'm fine.'-he repeats while watching his reflection in the immense mirrors. 'I'm fine.'-he says again as he walks down the street with rather sluggish steps, as the snow crunches under his shoes. 'I'm fine.'-he hears a voice he can not recognize anymore. He hears it when he wakes up from his inadequate amount of sleep. He hears it again as he washes his face, as he gets ready for the day, and even as he steps out of the dorm. He hears it all the time.
"Stop saying that. Stop saying that to me, please." tears well up in the boy's eyes. Hyunjin knows he messes up all the time. If not on stage, then behind the scenes. His relationship with Felix was only alive because of his partner, whose cheeks were now stained not only by freckles but by tears. And he looks so pretty. Even like that. 'How can he be that pretty?'-Hyunjin mentally asks himself. But he stops the train of random thoughts, trying hard to focus on the situation.
