Effulgent

♡ 5 ♡

♢ Theon ♢

I feel like a stalker. No, I am a stalker.

I had no intention of ever talking to Lilith, not after I had recognized her at the hospital. It seems the world has a differing opinion, always having us run into each-other. I never believed in fate or destiny, but if I did, I would have some strong words for them.

I now find myself outside of the music room, of course not anywhere she could possibly see me, but I like to listen to her play. It has become addicting.

The thought makes me laugh; I hated her when I realized who she was because we are so different. Her biggest worries were wondering what new dress to buy, what new toy she was going to ask her father for that day and my biggest worries were if I was going to eat, if the cost of my cancer treatment would elicit another argument between my parents.

It's not a fair judgment, what do they say? Comparison is the thief of joy? Yeah, it certainly is but when you have little to no joy to begin with it seems impossible to not measure your life up against those around you.

Shaking my head to rid my thoughts I focus back on the beautiful melody. Closing my eyes, I bring myself back to the first day I saw her, sure I had seen her around school and heard of her but that day, in that moment I feel as if I saw her.

I had figured Lilith lived a perfect life, never facing a single struggle, rich kids usually don't- but when I saw the slight bruise on her cheek, the way she limped ever so slightly when she walked, I knew something was amiss. I would never ask her upfront, I would rather she tell me what happened herself, but I couldn't ignore the anger I felt in that moment when she wouldn't tell me herself.

I can't blame her entirely, I never liked opening up to anyone about what I was going through. It's been a clusterfuck trying to fight my biases and even now I want to yell at my brain to shut the fuck up when it comes to understanding why she is doing something. It's unfair, but life is never fair.

I was never into music, at least not until now. I prefer academics that's why I tutor, I love the stability, I crave it. I love that there is a right way, a sure answer and the fact if you get something wrong it's because you messed up. My childhood was always out of my control, endless nights in the hospital, unable to keep food down and often weak. I hated it then and now I hate it more.

The one thing I have noticed from Lilith is the fact she seems to care a lot about what other people think. She might fool others, but I see how she'll lean in closer and linger if she is the topic of conversation. That is another thing that piques my interest in her, why does she care? I'm sure plenty of teenage girls care about what is said about them but this seems obsessive, borderline compulsive?

The music stops and that's my sign to leave, she wasn't supposed to bump into me the other day, that was a mistake. Seeing her cry didn't feel as good as I thought it would, I don't even know why I was a dick to her even after seeing her tears. I never did claim to be nice; I've never cared about being a dick before either. I suppose we all have our own facades.

I had thought she would treat me differently, from the things I heard she was stuck up and rude. Yet she didn't try to flaunt her wealth, she didn't talk down to me. Who is she underneath, she is like a riddle I desperately want to solve.

♢♢♢♢

I've never been nervous to tutor; I have always been confident in my abilities until now. Since my realization last night, I have been weirdly worried about things I once never cared about. If I looked good, if Lilith was looking at me or if she would notice me and what she was thinking in regard to me.