TABOO (slow updates)

S I X

Trigger Warning: Self Harm

"I look just like you now," I whispered to the old tree outside my window. The bruises on my thigh were red but they weren't deep enough to cause blood to spill everywhere. As much as I found comfort in this new activity, I didn't like making a mess.

One could say that this activity was bad but it gave me somewhat a reminder of the pain I was supposed to feel. I didn't understand why I thought I needed to feel pain but it seemed sane at the moment as I watched the sun slowly rise.

People have been through worse and have still emerged from it. I was weak and found this to be a good coping mechanism. Feeling the pain I deserved... but why did I deserve pain? Was it the guilt of moving on, was it because of the utmost loneliness I felt in the toilet, staring in the mirror at the smiling girl, or was it to feel something else other than happiness?

I closed my eyes for the first time since dinner and great slumber slapped me hard into the depths of my own wrecked head.

When I woke it was because of a knock on my door, I quickly disperse of the knife and pull my dress over my bruised thighs.

"Come in."

"Honey," I recognised the man that smiled at me and the warmth that his smile resonated. It wasn't the dad I moved here with, it was the dad I left back home.

"You look suspiciously happy this morning," His smile widens and he nods.

"I don't know why but I just felt like I lost you until yesterday night when you were laughing. It was like seeing old Hales," I looked at my thighs and back at his smiling self. Maybe this was the cost of being happy? Seeing my dad and gaining a couple bruises for it.

"I could say the same," I mimic his smile and it broadens again.

"I'm sorry If I've been distant," he moves into the room and shakes his head. I instinctively pull the blanket closer to my body.

"Honey, I understand... I would be mad at me too but you have to understand this was for the both of us," your dad is a good man led by evil people. He does what he does to protect himself and you.

I put a hand on his thigh and look at his tired yet smiling eyes. In less than a month he had aged. He was definitely as miserable as I was but just better at concealing it. "Dad..." his smile doesn't waver as he replies back with a yes.

"Are you being forced to do anything against your will? I mean you loved mom a lot and its hard to believe that it was just simple pretence... that you could move on so fast," his smile drops and so does his face. More years were taken away from him in that instant.

An answering silence envelopes us and I watch as his body slumps. He breaths and looks back up at me with a sustained smile, this time it didn't look genuine or happy, "No honey." Don't hate him because even though I resent all generals I've noticed the good in your dad. Hopefully this place won't drive him mad

"I loved your mom, I still do but at my lowest Rose found me, Rose loved me again and she glued the broken pieces together," I guess moving on was necessary but it still didn't sit straight with me at how fast he had moved on. How simple it was for him to replace his love.

"So you forgot about mom? Replaced her in less than a week? Unless Rose was some type of God send then I don't understand how or why you'd be so open to loving a new person and forgetting," his eyes tear away from me and stare into the distance. It was annoying me, angering me and my impatience for an answer was boiling my skin.

I look at him again, at his eyes that failed to meet mine and I slowly, finally, let it sink in. Let the drowning realisation finally drown into the dark depths of my mind. I left my dad back home, this was just another man with a few remnants of him that he sometimes cared to open to me.

"Answer me!" He doesn't.

I move away from him to the far end of my bed and point towards the door, if he couldn't talk, neither could I. His eyes that resembled mine look back at me and he nods! He doesn't even think it was necessary to indulge me with the truth! A coward that's what he was!

"I left my dad, you are just a stranger I happen to live with," he nods again making me grit my teeth. He was essentially agreeing to have lost himself too. And as bad as I wanted to pull him from the claws that were making him bleed, I had my own soul to pull out from my own darkened casket. I had to be selfish, I had to be.

His back was already turned away from me as he headed out but I stop him again, "Do you know that I don't allow myself to be happy? That I feel guilty when I feel simple happiness? That's because I don't want to let her go, I don't want to move on! Yet your cowardly self has allowed yourself to move on with a whore!"

He whips back around to face me, "Mind your language young lady!" I wince but I don't look away from his red eyes. Crying eyes.

"SHE IS A WHORE WHO HAS STOLEN MY FATHER AWAY FROM ME!" I make sure to be loud enough to rattle the house. To make her know that I despised her.

His face softens as he looks down at me, "Stop holding on to whats already gone Emilia, she's gone. Its okay to be happy but its not okay to grieve her to this extent," and with that he shuts the door behind him and the silent room is filled with sobs and hiccups.