HOLDEN - The Mavericks Series

ALICE

"Fucking Mavericks"

That's what I keep thinking all the way home. I just wanted one night to feel normal again. I just wanted to see what that felt like: drinking and dancing at a party, flirting casually..all things that when you're eighteen should be normal right?

So what the hell did I do to deserve Holden Maverik busting my party? But more importantly, why the hell did he see me? Couldn't I remain invisible for him, just like I've been invisible for the past years?

I've been to his house many times, with Grayson. He was nice to me. He made me feel like I was worth it. But sometimes there are things that just can't work out and despite everything, it hurt a bit when I became invisible for him as well.

But now that I'm back...now that I'm trying to blend in again, everything it's so hard.

It's hard to breathe, or to walk through the school halls without noticing the looks people give me...it's hard thinking that rumors will just fade out because sometimes human beings are just too shitty to understand that words can hurt deeply.

But mostly, it's hard to acknowledge the fact that life moved on while I was locked up in that horrible place. While my days were just getting emptier and meaningless, people I knew were having the best time of their life.

"Hey young lady, don't you think it's a bit too late?" my mother's voice irritates me every single time, especially because she was the one giving me the news last year: "We just want you to be okay darling...it's all for you" I remember her saying.

Sure it was: it was for my wellness that they pushed me to every limit in everything I did, whether it was gymnastics, or school, or volunteering, or extra projects, piano lessons, Latin lessons...it was never enough. I used to wake up at five to go running with my father, who was ready to crush me every time with his ten miles and to go to sleep at two a.m just to be sure that everything was done and perfect.

"Sure, whatever you say, mother." I walk past her, but I can hear her footsteps becoming heavier and faster.

"How dare you, Alice Constance? I don't like your tone." she screams at me while following me on the stairs. I keep avoiding her while I take my jacket off.

"Alice! Stop right now!" she says and I know what will happen next; dad is going to wake up, he will scream at me as well. They'll say how ungrateful I am, and I will quietly go to my room, not even absorbing their words.

"What mother? I went to a party. I drank one glass of some disgusting punch. I pretended to be normal again and I left because I realized that I'm just too messed up to be a normal teenager...Do you want to hospitalize again? Take me to St. Jude so they can brainwash me again into not being crazy?"

She shuts up. She doesn't know how to respond to the truth, because she's a manipulative liar, and that word, truth, it's like kryptonite for her.

"Like I thought. Good night." I tell her and then I lock myself in the bedroom.

I hate this. I hate how my life turned out to be. I hate that just now I'm taking control over my own life, but nothing is easy.

I look in the mirror and what I see disgusts me. My outside is a mess, and honestly, I'm pretty sure it reflects the mess I am inside. I try to remove the makeup, thinking that maybe it isn't really my thing: tomorrow I'll go back to being myself, with the hoodies, and the jeans and the glasses.