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❝「𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒔𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏」¡
KADENCE'S CYCLE OF SELF-DESTRUCTION WAS ALEAYS THE SAME. Starve for a few weeks with only the bare minimum to keep herself alive. The longest she's ever lasted was a month and a half, a goal she tries to push every day. When she can't take it any longer, the pain for hunger, she binges. She eats and eats with the sense that she can't control herself. She eats even past the point of being full, until her stomach aches, begging her to stop. And then comes the purging by way of vomiting. She'd sit hunched in front of the toilet, throwing up everything she had just eaten moments prior, sobbing, cradling herself. After the purging, came the depression. That was the stage Kadence was currently in.
It was a never-ending cycle of torture, like she was sitting in the 9th ring of Hell. In her opinion, the depression was the worst part. When she had no energy to make herself presentable in the morning, to show up to practice, and actually have the will to participate in the routine. Because when she was in her post-purging depression, everyone and their mothers came up to ask if she was okay.
Kadence simply wanted to be left alone, for everyone to go on with her life as if she isn't having a meltdown. It was overwhelming, being surrounded by so many people, having everyone constantly stare at her, judge her, question her.
So the moment the lunch bell rang, Kadence found herself wandering into the stairwell, hiding out beneath the stairs while the other seniors ate lunch just as she had the previous day. She was more comfortable this way, no prying eyes or judgmental gazes. No vapid conversations she had to endure. Just silence and her own mind.
Maybe that's worse, to be left alone to her own thoughts and feelings. The purest and most unadulterated form of torture, especially when she was in a depressive episode. When her mind was plagued with ideas of self-loathing and food, that was the time where she needed to be alone the very least.
She had taken two diet pills that morning before school, accompanied by an apple that she had eaten all the way down to the core. She had even eaten a few of the seeds. In a way, Kadence hoped that if she ate enough of them, the cyanide would take effect and she could finally be at peace. She would no longer have to worry about a body she didn't possess.
But her loneliness was short-lived.
"Kadence?" The girl perked up at the sound of the infuriatingly familiar voice of Jimin. His voice was always gentle, soothing. Jimin was a rather soft-spoken boy with a voice as delicate as his face that poked out from around the corner. The dirty blonde strands of hair brushed over his lashes, somehow making him look softer.
Jimin stood there in front of her with his tray of lunch clutched in his ringed fingers. "Hi." He didn't know what more to say than that. Kadence sighed restlessly. "What do you want?" She thought that maybe he wanted to take her up on that whole "I'll do whatever you want" part of her begging. Given the chance to be assholes or nice people, teenaged boys will choose to be assholes every single time.
