No Repeats

Let them marry

I looked at Lin Xi as she nodded her head sadly and wiped the tears that have pooled in her eyes with an embarrassed look on her face. I get it, the assassins in our unit was trained not to ever cry, it is mark of weakness and unacceptable for an officer. The weight of duty requires us to mask our feelings for the betterment of the masses.

I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but I could tell it comes across as quite forced and doesn't reach my eyes. I have no idea how Uncle Feng or the Feng brothers would react, I just know that they deserve to know the truth. But what if I am wrong? What if the truth would leave them unhappy for a lifetime?

"I better go to speak to Brother Feng, if he rejects me on this basis, I guess there is nothing else I can do but wait for time to heal the hurt. He is worthy for me to wait for eternity, so a little time is nothing," said Lin Xi with a pretend confidence.

Both of us are acting brave and confident, but we both know that we have no control over how things will turn out. I sincerely wished only happiness for them and that is the only thing I can do. I nodded my head and looked back up to the sky. Lately the stars and the waning moon have been fascinating to me, their twinkle and brightness among the overwhelming darkness is beautiful and enduring.

When she upped and left, I was suddenly alone in the garden again and my fear returned. I am tired, so very tired, but I also dread going to sleep because the next day I must return to that place. The place that I had lived for ten years, filled with misery and schemes. I know that once I sleep, time will drift by fast and when I wake up, I will be back in that cage again. I will once again leave my family and follow Yu Li back to the place that I have always loathed and yearned to escape from.

I chuckled to myself, how did someone as useless as me have received the second chance at life? I have wasted this chance and now I am back where I have started. Even though the circumstances are different this time, the fact of the matter is that he easily held my fate in his hands.

Fate...it is an interesting word. That person used that word before, a few times. I had never believed in fate, maybe because of the circumstances in which I was tied to Yu Li in the last life. That person was so confident when he spoke, that even I started to believe him. His power, his shameless sweet words and his caring emotive eyes almost convinced me that it was true, that we were tied together by the strings of fate.

But he lied, he had said that wherever I went, he will be there with me, sticking to me like glue until the day my heart softens. So, my naïve and stupid self-believed him, contrary to what I told myself. Why did he let himself die? Why did he let himself break his promise to me?

But why does my heart hurt so much?

My body is disobedient and does not do what I tell it to do.

My eyes well up with these tears even though I told it not to.

My heart twist in pain sometimes when I picture his face and when I don't it just feels heavy and empty.

Darn you, Bai Ye, darn you!

Even in death your spirit still lingers around me! Is it because of you that I am this way?

I need to shake this unshakeable sadness. I cannot let my family see my inner emptiness; it would only make them sadder.

Fate, even if we were tied with the strings of fate, it has been forcibly broken, let me go Bai Ye, and I will also let you go.

"The night is cold and no matter how beautiful the moon and the stars are, the night wind will chill your bones," said Yu Li as he walked up behind me and placed a heavy fur coat over my shoulders.

I tried to shrug it off, his touch disgusts me and I feel that the cloak is also dirty. But he forcibly held my shoulders in place and tied the cloak on from behind. I feel his lingering hands across my shoulder blades and down my arms as he stepped in front of me.

Looking down on me from his height, he keeps one hand on my arm to keep me still while the other lightly trails down the side of my face to my chin. Then he lifted my chin and forced me to tilt my head back to look into his eyes. I tried hard to divert my eyes to avoid satisfying him, but it only made him move closer to me, almost pressing his nose down on mine.

The angle made it impossible to avoid eye contact with him and finally, through steer force I had to meet his eyes. I glared at it angrily, can't you see that this is making me uncomfortable, you bastard!

I was surprised to see the normally cold eyes, that is devoid of human feelings and warmth was filled with a pleading emotion that is both fiery and sad. I couldn't understand at all where these feelings came from. If there was one side that should be filled with emotions and grievance, it should have been me?

But I don't feel anything right now, just emptiness.

"Shu Mei, what is on your mind?" he asked in a whisper.

I tried to move my face from the warmth of his breath, but he tightened his grip on my arms and locked me in place.

"Tell me, what is on your mind?" he asked again with more force.

"Boundless grasses over the plain...come and go with every season...wildfire never quite consumes them...they are tall once more in the spring wind," I started to recite Bai Juyi's poem and smirked as Yu Li's face twisted in anger.

(Author's note – the poem is called 'Grasses' by Bai Juyi, about the resilience of grass and its beauty, he used it as a metaphor to describe profound friendship. Shu Mei is using it to show her resistance against him.)

"Do you hate me that much? Shu Mei, you will see one day, how much I do for you and your heart will move for me. We are meant to be together; you are mine and we belong together," he said as he took a step closer and almost pressed his lips against mine.

My skin started to crawl with every warm breath that hit my skin and I tried to step backwards only to have him increase his strength which held me in place. I pushed my arms up against his chest and tried to push him away, but he is immovable as a boulder.

I closed my eyes and resisted the urge to poke his eyes out to stop it from glaring at my lips and eyes.

"Let me go Yu Li," I said coldly.

"Only if you tell me what is truly on your mind," he said as he closed his eyes and inhaled.

Your mother! Are you sniffing me?

I bit my lips and suppressed my anger, he truly has me cornered, I dare not do anything that would incur his wrath and cause harm to my family.

"Let me go, and we can talk properly," I said.

He smiled and took a step back, releasing me reluctantly. Just when I thought it was safe, he raised his hands and pulled the fur hood over my head and smiled.

"Keep this hood on so that the dew doesn't get onto your hair," he said before stepping back with his hands resting behind his back in a carefree way.

"Let them marry," I said, getting straight to the point.

"What is in it for me?" he asked.

"I will not try to escape," I said coldly.