( √ ) his name was jimin | pjm

chapter eleven ; outro

CHAPTER ELEVEN; 
O U T R O

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I don't know how much time had passed, I stopped counting the days, weeks, months. With Jimin, time literally flew and it bothered me; the more time ran away from me, the less time I could continue to spend with the blond.

I hadn't noticed at all how I was changing myself more and more, how I was slowly shedding my old skin and getting into a suit that didn't really suit me, that didn't fit me at all.

I distanced myself more and more from people who meant something to me - with the exception of Jimin, who still didn't know anything about my feelings, I didn't have the guts to make a confession. But I did not care. The only thing that mattered was that I could be near him - whether as a companion or as a best friend.

At first nobody noticed it, it did not break over us like a loud thunder, did not announce itself like dark clouds. It was insidious and unpredictable, expanding only step by step. First it was Jayoung who returned from her studies and confessed to me that she had expected a different reaction from me. She was afraid that I would have replaced her long ago, and yet she was not angry with me. After all, she knew that a lot had happened during the time she was away.

I had met someone new and said goodbye to people, let them go without further ado, but I proudly carried them further in my heart. I did not want to lie, we had good times. But that was over.

My eyes were only on Jimin and my thoughts were buzzing around him like an invisible force, clinging to him like a lifeboat, unable to let go of him. I was not able to let go of him.

More and more people knew me once. Used to know who I was, but by now only my name had remained in their minds. Like Jimin, I began to cease to exist for them. It was only Jayoung who really took notice of me, yet from whom I shielded myself without anyone noticing. I myself was not even able to control it.

The day also came when Jimin and I packed suitcases and boxes full, created recordings together in the evening, and had them burned onto a CD. We scribbled our initials on the cover and left town without attracting much attention, leaving only our initials and the CDs with our stories; memories.

Jayoung was the only one who knew, but only after we were already on the train. She was shocked and wrote a very hurtful sentence to me. I should never have met Jimin. She should never have given me the CD's, because since then I should have changed drastically according to her words.

I could not describe how much my heart contracted, my vision blurred and the display got the first tears, my trembling hands did not allow me to read anything properly.

Jayoung's sentence had more than just sunk in.

Since the incident, no one had seen me online yet, didn't manage to reach me. I needed no one more than Jimin, wanted no one more than Jimin. No one would understand this love, even accept it, and my blond angel would have to take all the attacks, condemnations hard to bear.

No one understood between us. No one would ever understand.

This boy meant more to me than I cared for, had by now a much stronger effect on me than when the whole thing started. It was almost eerie.

"What are you thinking about?" My irises fixed on the ceiling while my head rested on Jimin's. Lap rested, his hand gently sliding through my hair and causing a pleasant tingling inside me. "About us," I murmured softly, unable to give him the attention he deserved, held too much in chains by my own thoughts, which were unbreakable. He hummed thoughtfully, trying to empathize with me and make out what exactly was bothering me about us.

"Don't worry, it's nothing bad, Jimin. Really." Giving me blind faith, he just nodded and let it go at that, which cost me a small smile. He had pretty much trusted me from the start, in the process I could have been a human monster otherwise.

Suddenly it became dark before my eyes and instead of continuing to see the ceiling I saw something completely different, had no time to react big, when already soft soft lips lay on mine. My eyes widened in shock and yet it took only a few seconds until I realized what was going on and started to respond.

My hands were suddenly on his cheeks, my thumbs gently stroking his tender skin and sitting him down further toward me.

His lips slowly detached from mine and he assumed his normal pose while I stared up at him with red cheeks, still not quite able to grasp what had actually happened. Countless butterflies danced in my stomach and tingling fireworks exploded under my skin.

"Jimin-"

"I hope I didn't catch you off guard, YN." Slowly shaking my head, I denied it and knew nothing more to do with myself as he continued to run his hands through my hair as if nothing had happened. Suddenly, he twirled just one strand between his fingers and gently pushed me off his lap from one moment to the next, leaving me to eye him in confusion.

Jimin laid himself down and then put his arms around my body, with which I had always been dissatisfied; just average, not particularly attractive. At least that's how I felt. Maybe I was pretty in other eyes, but let's face it: they didn't see all the imperfections I tried to hide as best I could.

I found myself against Jimin's warm chest, which was rising and falling regularly, while I could hear his heart beating much too fast, it was still slowly bringing me back down.

Maybe history would repeat itself. Maybe someone would get their hands on the CD's and give up their time for us - two strangers whose names were already fading into complete oblivion. But maybe not. Maybe no one would ever know about us again, our names dissipating like hot steam from the history of the world.

I had no regrets. After all, I had found an angel who appreciated and loved me as much as I loved him. Whereas his love for me was so different and yet they overlapped in commonality.

His name was Jimin.

My name was YN.

And even though I'm sure hardly anyone could remember us, at least our names must have lingered in some minds. But we were more than just a name - we were a story.

Hard to open and not easy to read. But if you found the key to the rusty lock and learned the different sounding language, it could be the most beautiful story to read.

I had dared to take this step and I didn't regret anything, completely ignoring the sacrifices I was making.

Because I had Jimin.

And he was more than just a name.