I think about distance a lot. For instance, the distance between the top of my head and the ground, and how I wish it was an inch bigger. I'm five eleven, and it almost feels sexist that I'm not allowed to smugly smile and go, "yeah it's crazy right? I get it from my dad." Whether immediately crediting my dad undermines my point or not is besides the Real point, which is that I have stopped growing and will therefore never fulfil my dreams.
I think about the distance I used to place between me and my friends. I used to proudly proclaim that I needed no one. I'd dig a moat around myself, put my feet up and watch all the other people as they felt such quaint emotions as insecurity and neediness. The worst thing I could imagine in the world was to be needy.
Now, when I look back, I miss my superiority complex. Feigned or not, the belief in my own self sufficiency was comforting. Now, when I stare at my phone and pray for someone to reply, and wring my fingers for hours worrying that I've upset them, I think back on my younger, confident self in awe.
It feels like, in the time I'd been spending sat in my castle, the dirt packed around the edge of the moat had loosened and fell away, and the water had come rushing in until moat turned to sea. No man is an island, but I am a woman, and I am an arid continent.
My friends must know. I have never felt more keenly vulnerable, and they have never been less responsive. Maybe they were always like this, and before I was too busy being superior to notice.
I think about the distance between who I was and who I am now. I used to be offensively certain of everything. I knew what I thought about every issue, could argue my point with conviction and scoff with derision. I would laugh loudly, swing my arms when I walked and take up more space than I needed. I used to not spare a glance in the mirror aside from checking if I had something in my teeth.
These days, I wish I could put distance in between me and the mirror. I cam stand in front of it for hours, until my eyes bore of each other and travel further apart and my teeth turn yellow and brown. I am certain of nothing but my faults.
