Bucky Barnes/ Winter Soldier Imagines

Burdens

Bucky Barnes doesn't like thinking about what he's learned from his time as the Winter Soldier. Every now and then, he catches himself moving with the same quiet power as the killer the Russians trained, and he practically feels sick to his stomach. James Barnes from the '40s could tell when someone was too shy to ask for a dance, sure, but the Winter Soldier can identify which person in a crowded room would be the least willing to fight back, the easiest to kill. Instead of knowing things for the better, all Bucky seems able to do is figure out ways to hurt people.

It's not like he wants to think about it, either. The memories keep popping up in his head when he least expects it- the grip of a paring knife for cutting up produce reminds him of the hundreds of times he's used a knife with a similar grip to end someone's life, or one step into an unfamiliar place has him scanning for all the ways he could move through the crowd unnoticed to find his target. Needless to say, his Winter Soldier habits aren't a source of pride, but for once, Bucky is glad he has them. Namely, because he seems able to tell something is wrong with Y/N L/N before anyone else.

He picks it up slowly at first. When she walks into the room, her steps are quieter, less sure of herself. She doesn't wave at Bucky when she sees him in the morning, the excited way she used to, like he's something worth looking for. Bucky supposed he was so surprised the first time she did it that he noticed when it stopped, too.

Then he realizes that she's no longer advocating for herself in the Avengers team meetings. Instead of signing up on difficult missions the second she hears about them, which is common in almost everyone here, she waits until someone asks her if she wants in. Even then, she accepts shyly, like she's expecting someone to laugh in her face and tell her it's all a joke.

Bucky doesn't like it, not at all. Y/N is confident, easily so, and the fact that she seems reduced to some quiet ghost of herself doesn't sit right with Bucky. The more he watches her, the more things he picks up, and he's not sure that what he sees is good, either.

He knows that he might be coming off a little strong. Sam has already made fun of him for staring countless times over, but Bucky can't help it. It's a relic of sorts, a practice from his time as a silent soldier that refuses to leave him. Besides, he can't even seem to convince himself to focus on something else. He has this unexplainable desire to make sure Y/N is alright, like by making her a part of his life he'll be okay by extension. He's too broken a man to convince himself it's love, but- Well, he's not sure he could explain it if he tried.

So he watches, and waits, and pretends it doesn't leave him uneasy when he sees Y/N's personality reduce himself into this state of nothingness that only comes out when she's not focusing on trying to hide it. Bucky feels as if he ought to do something, but he's not sure how. He's not really designed for heart to hearts, to say the least. HYDRA didn't really include empathetic conversations in his need-to-known programming.

Finally, Bucky gets the chance to say something. After yet another night of pretending that he definitely doesn't have nightmares and he's just getting up at dawn to train for the fun of it, Bucky finds that he is not the only one in the training facility one morning. Y/N is there too, tucked away into a back corner behind a punching bag as if she'd rather not be seen at all.

The one thing that stands out the most, though, is the look in her eyes. That's what Bucky sees first, before he draws closer and notices the bruises and blood patterning her knuckles, or the way she won't stop hitting the bag even though she's clearly been there for far too long. She looks haunted, but by what Bucky doesn't know. It scares him a little, he thinks.

Her gaze flashes over to him the second he pulls the punching bag from out of her reach. For a moment, she almost looks afraid, and then she recognizes him again and frowns. "Why would you do that?" Her tone is exhausted and annoyed, but Bucky swears that she almost sounds relieved.