A Book of Random Thoughts

Metamorphosis

Has anyone read my last three entries? No.
Am I going to keep writing because it's the closest thing I can get to talking it out in therapy? Yes.

Today was particularly difficult. For multiple reasons. One of them was that I went to the store.

That in itself is always difficult. Too much standing and walking. Besides that though, it was a Saturday. Near Christmas.

The store is packed full of people and as I'm looking around, I kept seeing people that I wanted to be like. How I've wanted to dress for years, or how I've wanted to look.

Writing it out makes it sound like something so stupid to be upset or depressed over. But as much as I wish I didn't feel that way, it is distressingly upsetting.

All throughout my life I keep going through what feels like quick, sudden cases of metamorphosis. But as quickly as things change for me, I feel like I become "stuck" in the aftereffects for years and years. And right now it feels really scary and weird because it seems like I'm coming to an end of another chapter and I don't know what's happening next.

It appears that it'll be a good change next. But then again, who knows for sure? I thought my last major "metamorphosis cycle" was going to be a good one. Unfortunately that's the one that seemingly tipped off all my illnesses.

So every day I'm still learning how to be okay with where I am right now even if it's not where I want to be. That's not to mean that I stop putting effort into trying to get to that point, but it's to learn to recognize and appreciate the small positive changes that have already happened.