A Book of Random Thoughts

Give and Take

I frequently find myself analyzing my romantic relationships to see what areas I can improve on or where things went wrong. And today I've been thinking a lot about the concepts of giving and taking.

It's really weird being in a relationship with someone who is also more of a giver than a taker. Not in a bad way, but it's definitely a weird feeling. And even after four months I can tell it'll probably take a bit longer to fully adjust to.

I've been sick recently. Technically I'm always sick (yay chronic illness), but I recently had a bad flare due to overworking myself. Consequently I've felt much more... needy? I suppose? Like, just really wanting someone there to care for me. And my boyfriend has responded above and beyond, giving me what I needed emotionally speaking.

For a while I felt guilty for this. Don't get me wrong, his words and love is like chicken soup for the soul. But I felt guilty, like I was taking too much from him emotionally.

We've had conversations about this probably two or three times now. Usually I will impulsively apologize for being too needy or clingy, especially when I'm not feeling well, and he'll respond and ask me why I  am apologizing for something I need.

It really sucks that my last relationship was so much the opposite of this that I became afraid to express my feelings or emotions and that I feel guilty for needing something from someone else. But at the same time, I'm almost kind of grateful for the experience. It taught me that you can take some as long as you also give back. It taught me to communicate more with my partner about how I am doing and what my needs are. And I think most importantly, it taught me how to treat the givers of the world. So that I can appreciate their big hearts and be mindful enough to not take advantage of them the way I was. And so that I can also be a bit kinder to myself.