A Guilt-ridden Falling in Love Montage

Chapter Four: Giving Up Hiding

notes:
I couldn't bring myself to leave much of a gap between posting so I've kind of undermined the cliff hanger but idc. And yes, I am very slightly making Pat and The Captain self inserts, oops.

TW: MENTION OF SUICIDE

The Captain couldn't concentrate on anything except trying to bury the feelings Pat's coming out had brought back to the surface. He felt guilty not being able to bring himself to look at the scout leader, he could imagine how his own reaction was making the other man feel. That was why he was so surprised when he felt Pat's arm around his shoulder. Physical contact usually made The Captain uncomfortable but right now he was too distracted to care beyond the slight extra layer of anxiety over the appropriate way to respond to the touch. He settled for shuffling ever so slightly closer to Pat, hoping to show that his reaction wasn't one of homophobia but one of fear. It was at that moment that The Captain began to question that. If he felt do broken and dirty for loving men himself then didn't that make him homophobic? Was the fact that he didn't think Pat was either of those things really enough to make up for how he felt about himself and stop him being homophobic? It was at that moment that he became aware that Pat was talking to him, although he couldn't make out what he was saying over the crashing waterfall of his own thoughts. He was still looking away from Pat, still afraid that showing his face would give away his secret even though he was painfully aware that, judging by Pat's comforting not offended response, his secret was already out the bag. That thought terrified him but, at the same time, he was hugely relieved by the response he'd received. Turning to look at Pat he decided to just tell him - even if he already knew. But first he needed to apologise 'I'm awfully sorry about this Patrick. I can only imagine how you must feel right now - you've just come out to me and I've reacted like this' he gestured at himself 'I -'.
He was cut off then by Pat. 'Don't apologise to me for your reaction - I know only too well how it feels to have this topic sprung upon you when you're closeted and not prepared. People like me were in the news rather a lot at one point when I was alive and I always conveniently needed to go and make myself a cup of tea when it came up. I feared that if I stayed I might give myself away. If anyone should be apologising it's me'.
'Nonsense, you were only trying to communicate to me that you would accept me for this', he turned to Pat, 'at least that's what I assume - I haven't done the best job at keeping it under lock and key since I died so I'd hardly be surprised that you'd picked up on it'.
Pat smiled encouragingly at the other man, hoping he would know that, should he want to continue, he would be there to support him.
'During my life, I was always very good at keeping my secret. If I hadn't been I likely wouldn't have lived as long as I did'. He didn't know what came over him but he wanted to tell Pat everything. He looked to him for support and received the encouraging nod he needed to continue. 'I had a boyfriend you know. He was my Leuitenant, all the time while we worked together here at Button House we managed to keep our relationship a secret'. His voice faltered before he continued 'But then he left me, he went to fight on the Front Lines in North Africa not long after France surrendered and', he struggled to continue and his words were barely more than a hoarse whisper, 'he - he was killed in action only weeks after he arrived'. His eyes were glistening when he turned to Pat and, if he wasn't mistaken, the other man also had tears in his eyes. He didn't want to go on talking but once he'd started he couldn't stop and so he resigned himself to the fact that he was going to tell Pat about his death. 'When I received the news I fell apart. I didn't care about anything anymore and I lost my ability to hide myself away'. Pat's eyes were wide and shining with tears as it dawned on him what The Captain was about to share. 'It was less than a week until one of the Privates figured me out and reported me and within another week I received notice that I was to be discharged from the army, have my medals stripped away and probably be arrested too. I couldn't stand to go out that way and so I - I - I ended it myself with as much dignity as I could muster for such an undignified death'. He couldn't bring himself to look at Pat, guilt was building in his chest with the fear of having upset him with the sorrowful tale. He was made aware again of Pat's arm around him as he pulled The Captain into a hug. It was then that he fully let himself go and sobs wracked his body. They sat there quietly for hours; The Captain sobbing in Pat's arms and Pat doing his best to comfort him.