TWs//Abuse and Victim blaming
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When I was younger I'd use my traumatic experiances as just a conversation topic for close friends. I mean, I was out of the first siuation since I was 2, and my mind blocked every memory out. It was the second abusive relationship I remembered one thing.
The point is, I didn't take it serious. I never saw it as a problem, I thought the only effects it had on me was low self esteem, and anxiety. Apparently my depression was a genetic thing.(Another vent coming soon about why I hate saying that)
But now that I'm older it's been.. harder to say that it hasn't affected me. One of my friends, (I mentioned her before) she- she's toxic. Just always looking for a way to make me feel sorry for her. She lies a lot, I know because I've known her for years. I never saw it as a big problem until she tried to say it was my fault she got hurt when it wasn't, and she probably didn't get hurt.
I've had anxiety attacks thinking about it, how I don't want to be another victim, I'm scared of her. I walk on eggshells around her too now, just like how my family did with 'father'.
I really don't want to be a victim, I can't think of myself that way. Just thinking about it makes me cry, I'm really scared. I'm scared of people so much. And it doesn't help that my coach- I can't look him in the eyes and I get so uncomfortable around him. I'm sure he didn't mean to make me uncomfortable but- I just can't see anything as an accident anymore.
I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I'm planning on talking about this. But, I can't sleep and I'm already racking my brain about it so vent book it is.
I can't do my feelings justice, talking about them. I'm terrified to be a victim, and I don't want to remember what happened. But I do, I'm also scared that if I don't remember what happened that I'll never heal from it. But where do I even begin to remember?
My oldest sister doesn't help too. She threatens to get us taken away, and she blames mom for staying with 'father'. He doesn't deserve that title. She has her moments, and I know she went through worse than me. But the constent reminder of what 'father' is like scares me. She has a personality disorder, and blows up like him. She's also a narcissist like him. She has her moments, but I still hate hanging out with her.
I'm not being fair to her, I know it's hard for her too. But I just- can't I can't what? I don't even know.
I get tired a lot, talking to family, talking to friends. My energy is sapped at the end of the day, but then I'm restless in sleep. It's a horrible cycle. And I'm just so drained by now. A numbness crawls over my mind sometimes, it makes me wanna cry. It makes me wanna hurt myself sometimes. I'm slightly apathetic too, I just don't feel happiness anymore it's all just- empty
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I feel much better and after crying for a while I think I'm gonna head to bed, it's 1:30 and I have to get up at 7
