OKAY SO UHM I RECENTLY CAME OUT AS AGENDER TO MY FAMILY AND I NOW USE THEY/THEM PRONOUNS. MY 'FRIEND'HAD SAW ME LOOKING UP BINDERS. AND SO I HAD TO TELL THEM. THEY ACCEPTED ME RIGHT? I EVEN TOLD THEM NOT TO TELL ANYONE, AND THEY AGREED.
But then when I chose my name they started making fun of it. Using it in a mocking tone at school when they knew I wasn't out. Once they saw my Netflix profile changed to my chosen name they scoffed and said it again mockingly. I was uncomfortable with this but never voiced my opinion. Until friday.
This friday we were at lunch with all my friends, and we were joking around. My friend eventually said 'I'd never that THAT' and it was all cool, a joke. Me and her had used this joke before, when her mom had thought we were dating (because we were close?). And the rest of the people at my table took it as a joke too.
"Wow, that?" One of my other friends wheezed out. And I didn't think much of it. Until my friend had answered.
"Well that's their pronouns." It was silent for a while, really awkward. And I was angry, I wasn't comfortable with being out. And I told her such once they found out. She hadn't even apologized. And once I stopped talking she had the guts to ask if she did something wrong.
I stayed silent until we were dismissed. Once we were alone I told her.
"Okay, first of all you keep making fun of my given name, and you told everyone my pronouns when you knew I wasn't out. I told you not to tell anyone my pronouns!" Or something along those lines.
"I wasn't making fun of your name, I was just saying it. And I never outed you to the table!" Was her response. This made me more mad, she didn't have to put on a mocking tone when she said my name. And now she was denying everything?
We had to get to the next class, so I walked off. She has the class I had before lunch so we saw each other in the hallway. She said it again. But with a slight change in story. "I never said that was your pronouns, I say I call you by that!"
I knew she was lying. Just like those years before. I remember knowing everytime she lied. It was obvious, she was a stupid kid wanting nothing more than attention. So she spun lies. She almost lost a friend because of that. Me I was the one to brought them back together after their arguement. And yet she still lied. I wish I hadn't, maybe then she'd understand how annoying it was when she lied.
And it was the same thing. I walked away after that, and I wanted to cry. I felt betrayed and awkward around the friends at the table for a bit. I had gym with two of the friends and they seemed to not remember it. So I quickly forgot about them knowing.
That day, halfway through 6th period we went down to the cafetorium, we were watching our grade put on a musical.
She sat with us and handed me a note. Saying the same stuff. But a 'forgive me or don't forgive me.' on the bottom, after the apology. I said I forgave her, but I was still angry.
She hadn't even told me it to my face. She wrote a fricking note. That's what I did when I didn't want to see my mom's reaction to finding out I had depression and I wanted therapy.
And she hadn't even spent much time on it, only 20 minutes at most. I had to revamp my letter at least 3 times and I had to wait months to gather the courage to give it to my mom.
It's just insincere. And I'm still mad at her. She tried to lie her way out of it. But I want her to take responsibility.
I stopped talking much after that. I had went to hang out with a friend so that took my mind off it for the weekend. But when I came back home on sunday and I woke up on monday I didn't want to go.
I didn't want to face her, I wanted to cry at the thought. And I almost did. My mom said I could stay home.
I went to therapy and they both noticed how I wasn't talking as much. I didn't want to, it took too much energy. And I was tired, tired of everything. I wanted to become mute, no one wanted my opinion so why should I speak? All the times I told my friend my opinion she'd lie or deflect her way out of it. And I'd let her.
I'm tired of talking, mostly to her. Talking to my family or people I actually like takes no energy. But with her it's like I can't share anything. Because she either uses it against me or tells everyone. And I'm just so tired.
I've moved recently, and next year I'm going to a new school. No her, but no other friends either. And most likely no friends for a few years, seeing as I keep to myself, not talking to anyone. But it's just for a few more years.
