I uh have the sudden urge to die. I'm tired. And with therapists you actually have to uhm... talk? Like I knew that but I just- I cry whenever it gets too personal. And usually I've been dreading therapy. Like I'm scared of what my therapist thinks. And I just sorta- I don't know honestly.
I don't know anymore. I don't know anything and I am just so tired. My therapist wants me to have a goal, and I just don't want to be tired. I don' know how it'll work. I'm just exhausted. And I don't want to do anything.
Mom's depressed too, everyone in my family is. Apparently we've been 'cursed' because all of our serotonin levels are low. But I hate being told that.
It's like dismissing everything I feel as just 'genes' when day by day I just want to give up. I want help, I want to talk. But I can't. I'm so tired and anxious I just don't know what to do anymore. Because dying would make my family sad.
My last therapist told me that. And currently my only reason for living right now is family. People always say their reason for living is friends. At least a lot of the people I know do. But my friend- is the only one I think of when that word appears. And it just makes me more drained.
Family, I get into lots of arguements with them. But they're the only reason I've made it this far. I'm so tired but they need me. And I don't want them sad.
Whenever I get into arguements with the people I consider family I feel so guilty but I can't admit it. That'd be weakness. And I'm scared.
Everyone tells me to find someone to talk to but I can't. It's so hard to talk to them. Because I'm afraid they'll see me differently.
But that's how it is with everyone. I can't help but feel like the only place I can turn to is the internet. Where no one registers as humans. Just accounts.
