A Perfectly Imperfect Love

Chapter Eight; The Aftermath.

Aftermath. A rather nasty thing in this case. After Angela left I sat down a thought over my plan again. Just to make sure I didn't leave any loose ends. And a realization occurred. A realisation of what I had just done. Oh my God. I just chopped up my boyfriend. I just dismembered an actual human being. What is wrong with me? I ripped a whole ass person limb from limb and I wasn't even slightly phased doing it. I wasn't sick. I dint cry. I didn't second think it. I just did it. Effectively might I add. What is wrong with me? I'm a monster. I can't believe I did that. Who am I? What am I? Oh my God. I think I'm going to be sick. What have I done?

I was so worried about my family's name. Worried that if I was caught and put away for murder that my family's fortune would disappear. I was too worried about the money. I wasn't worried about what dismembering an actual person would do to me. I was so consumed with fear that I couldn't see what I really had to be worried about. Me. I was so scared I would get caught and I would lose my fathers love. That I would lose my Dad. that would have been so painful. To lose him. Unbearable.

I used to think the worst feeling in the world was losing someone you loved. But I was wrong. The worst feeling in the world is the moment you realise you've lost yourself. Just then. That was the moment for me. The moment I didn't recognise myself. The moment I didn't know who was in my own skin. Losing yourself truly is the worst feeling in the world. It hurts. Deep in the bottom of your gut. At the core of your soul. Straight through the middle of your heart. The worst pain imaginable. In the most important places.

Not only have I now lost myself I have lost the love of my life. He may have been a shitty person, but I loved him. And it was real love. Some people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes. Some mistakes get made, and that's alright. That okay. In the end, it's better for me. That's the moral of the story. He's gone now and I can't change that. I can't miss him. I need to learn to live with what I have done. I need to learn to live without him. So I decided I needed to just go home and take a nap. To recharge. And when I wake up. Everything will be fine again.

I try and try to forget him. But my heart thinks he's the best for me. I try and try to erase him. But, he won't disappear. Feels like every time I turn a corner he's standing right there over my shoulder. He's everywhere. I swear it's hard to think. It's hard to breathe when he's in the air. I try to run but he's everywhere I go. When I think I'm all alone. And my heart's under control. Why is loving him not fair? He's everywhere. The ground beneath my feet's a bit colder. I see his face in people I don't know. Feels like the world is twisting in slow-mo and I'm stuck in one place. Why cant he just go away? Disappear.

I went home and went to bed. I slept for the whole night. I was so exhausted. After I woke up my judgement was much clearer. I was thinking straight again. Thank God. when I get tired or stressed my brain just fully shuts down and I don't think properly. But once I wake up everything is back to normal. As long as I get enough sleep and stay calm from now I will be able to live my life normally.