cw// death
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You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
Carmen woke up to her wife's smooth voice in her ear.
A smile immediately crept its way to her face before she could even open her eyes as Regina sweetly went on with the lullaby which now became a staple to her mornings.
Ever since they got married, it was how Carmen started her day—with Regina sitting on the bed beside her as her hands carefully combed through Carmen's hair. They've been married for four years and everyday, she did it without fail.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
She joined in, singing along with her wife as her eyelids fluttered open to the still dark surroundings. It was how all her mornings started and the song—along with her wife’s voice singing it for her—had become synonymous with the sunrise.
The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
Her eyes zeroed in on Regina's usual spot on the bed. Her smile faltered. It was vacant.
Confused, she blinked back the remnants of sleep and got up to look around for Regina. Her gaze swept through the room for her wife's familiar figure. Still, she came up empty.
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
It wasn't until the song went on with no one still in sight that she realized what was happening.
The voice came from her phone speakers.
She reached over to pick up the device from her nightstand and indeed, it was her alarm tone that woke her up.
Regina had recorded the voice note and she was also the one who set it on Carmen's phone.
"A substitute for when I'm not around," she had said.
Regina kept it on everyday and would just turn it off before it could wake Carmen in the morning and steal her job. It was a joke she told multiple times and it was cheesy, but it was the only thing Carmen looked forward to every morning.
Realizing that she was alone, Carmen flung the offending device across the room. It hit her wall, causing the phone to break into multiple pieces that effectively shut it up.
Then, as if a switch was flipped, a myriad of emotions ran through Carmen as she sat on her bed. Tears blurred her vision as the memory from the last time she heard Regina sang to her came back rushing through the forefronts of her mind.
***
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
Regina's pale face almost matched the stark white sheets of the hospital bed. Carmen sat in the middle of it, her feet folded along the edge while Regina's head was cradled against her lap. Her voice cracked at the words but Carmen continued singing, hoping that the song that calmed her mornings would help ease the pain Regina felt.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
There was nothing more painful than seeing the love of your life slowly fade away as you held them in your arms. No matter how tight your embrace, it was still not enough to keep them tethered into this world and no love, no pleading words could keep them alive.
Death is inevitable. And for Carmen and Regina, it was something they had prepared for. The moment they received her diagnosis and the doctor gave Regina five months to live, they sat down together and spent the entire day talking, planning, writing down all the things they needed or wanted to do.
When night came, Carmen cried in silence when she thought Regina had gone to bed. Except she hadn't and Regina gathered Carmen into her arms whispering words of comfort in her ear until they both fell asleep. It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic. Wasn't she supposed to be the one to comfort Regina? After all, she's the one who was sick.
That's the thing about death though, isn't it? For the person experiencing it, it was a necessary end to their suffering. No more tears, no more pain. But for the people who cared, it was only the beginning. The loss, the anguish, the longing—a chasm that manifests itself inside your chest and never leaves. Even years later, that empty feeling will never be filled.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
They thought they were ready. But was anyone ever, really? Everyone thought they were tough, until the day came and suddenly they're all like little kids—terrified.
It was silly but there was some part of Carmen that hoped that it wasn't true. Or that some sort of miracle would happen and Regina's illness would just magically go away. But cancer is a bitch and before they knew it, Regina's health deteriorated faster than they could prepare themselves for.
Regina's hand came up, seeking for Carmen's, bringing the latter out of her reverie. Carmen promptly reached for it and pressed a gentle kiss at the back of her hand.
Regina squeezed her hand back. Her grip was loose, a reminder of how weak she had gotten. Her disease had stolen so much life and vibrance that what was left was an empty shell of the formidable woman she once was.
“It’s gonna be alright.” Carmen said, but more for herself.
Regina had always been the stronger one. For Carmen, she was her rock. She was the one who held Carmen together when she felt like her world was crumbling away. The idea of losing her solid ground, the very thing that kept her upright, her strength, Carmen couldn’t even begin to imagine. Will she even survive?
“You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.” She heard Regina’s voice join in with hers.
It was faint, but Carmen saw how Regina struggled to sing the part of the song with her. She saw how the simple act took so much effort from Regina’s already strained breathing. She swiped a thumb at the lone tear that fell from Regina’s eye.
“I know, love.” Carmen murmured against her ear.
She tried to hold back her own tears but was unsuccessful as they flowed freely down her cheeks.
“You never failed to show me how much you loved me.” Carmen assured her. “Every single day. I knew it. I felt it.”
She soothed her cheek with shaking fingers—an attempt to bring back some color to Regina’s pallid skin. It did nothing to help.
“Please don’t take my sunshine away.” She wept as Regina took a few more ragged breaths and Carmen struggled to continue the song. A prayer now for God to hear. This cannot be how they end.
When they promised "‘til death do us part", she meant when they were both old and gray, not when they barely even started.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Regina’s eyes closed and Carmen felt her world get doused with darkness along with it, as if a sudden cloud completely overtook the skies and hid the sun. Everything felt cold and empty. She felt cold and empty.
Her grip never waivered against Regina’s cold hands. Maybe if she held on to her, if she waited a little bit longer, Regina would laugh and tell her that everything was nothing but a bad dream, and they would sing their song together and drive all the shadows away.
“Don’t take my sunshine away, love. Please.” She pleaded, pulling Regina’s limp body against her chest.
No one heard. Her sun had set and never rose again.
