Suddenly Everything

Prologue

Sliding down against the inside of the bathroom door, I let it all go. Tears finally released from their threshold, sliding down my cheek like the water rushing from a waterfall. Sobs escaping my lips like never before, leaving me gasping for air. It's all too much. My heart just simply cannot take the constant blows of hurt anymore. I can't do it. I've tried. I've given it my all, and... nothing has changed. If anything, it's gotten worse. My marriage, that is. 

What once was my safe-haven is now a combat zone, full of word bombs and verbal guns aiming straight for my heart. My home has become a house I'm desperately trying to escape, but my feet stay trapped like quicksand. I'm barely holding on, and I can't do it anymore. 

The phone in my trembling hands dials as I pray she'll answer. It's a long shot with it being 2:34 in the morning, but I need her. 

"You do realize it is two in the damn morning right," she answers. Her voice groggy from the sleep I know she just woke from. 

"I'm sorry," I whisper, my voice betraying my plans of remaining strong. I guess a year of bottling up isn't so easily contained when you make a decision that's about to wreck your life, tear you apart, and leave you stranded. 

That's when I know she recognized I'm not calling about the cookies I forgot to bake for a party so now I'm stress baking, she knows it's serious and instantly I hear her sit up in her bed, the rustling of the sheets a telltale sign. 

"What happened," she gently asks, her mom voice seeping through. Sadie has two kids with her husband, Matt, and it's easy for her to slip into mom-mode unintentionally. 

Mustering up all the strength I can to just say these few words without becoming a blubbering mess again, I tell her what I've decided. "I...I think I'm going to file for divorce." 

The silence coming from the phone speaker tells me everything: she's shocked. I've briefly mentioned how hard the past year has been with Brayden's drinking, but never once have I mentioned the possibility of divorce. 

But, she knows I wouldn't come to a major decision like this without thinking long and hard about it. I'm the furthest thing from irrational, which is why her next words are spoken with such concern. "Aubrey... I'm so sorry." She's not pitying me, she's just at a loss for words- I would be, too, if the roles were reversed. "Do you want me to come over? I can be there in just a few minutes," she rushes. Knowing her, she probably already has her shoes on and keys in her hand. 

"No," I immediately respond, hoping she doesn't take it personally. It's not that I don't want her over, but it'll only make me feel worse for dragging her here despite it being her choice. The image of sobbing on her shoulder only makes me cringe. "I...I just needed to tell someone, and," I sigh, trying to keep it together. "And, I just...I don't know..." 

God, this is so hard. Who knew ending a marriage would be akin to having your soul ripped from your body? I almost feel lifeless. With the constant fighting, the endless hours spent researching ways to help, the countless amount of time I spent trying to convince him to get help, and every day only sucked a little more out of me. 

I mean, I can't even remember the last time Brayden kissed me, or even held me like he used to. We're oceans apart now, and nothing is bringing us back together. I was even desperate enough that I joined several Facebook groups of wives who are in the same position- or were in the same position. Everything they suggested didn't work, he completely shut me out instead. 

I've had so many conversations with him that ended with him storming out the house and specifically telling me to 'go to hell'. I know he doesn't ever truly mean it, but it's hard living with the mask someone's hiding behind. They say marriage is an equal amount of give and take, well I've given all that I can. I promised him I wouldn't walk out on him, and I've given him enough fair warning that our marriage is crumbling, but he doesn't seem to care. 

"Do you want to talk about it? I know you must have sat on this for a while, what made you choose this?" And maybe it's because she could never imagine divorcing her husband, but I could hear the fear she tried to hide behind her voice. 

"Sadie, I tried everything...." and there goes the floodgates again. "Every time we would talk he would disregard me like I'm talking shit or something. He... he would storm out. He's not the same man I married 3 years ago. His temper is always influenced by the alcohol and when it's not he's only sober for about an hour, and during that hour he's looking for jobs. I'm the one carrying the household, and I can't... I just can't do it anymore. I love him so damn much that it hurts, but we're sinking. Our money is just going down the drain. It's to the point that when I go grocery shopping I have to look at the list and narrow down to what we really need." 

"God, Aubrey how have you gone this long? I don't think I could have made it six months watching the love of my life drown himself in alcohol," She says somberly. 

"I don't know, I'm done though. I already spoke with a lawyer today, and everything's going to work out. She's apparently dealt with many of these type of cases before, so it'll be fine," I say, hoping she doesn't hear how nervous I actually am about this. 

"That's good. Do you know when you're going to serve him with the papers?" 

I nod as if she can see me, but when I realize that she's on the phone I whisper the words, "Next week." 

"Oh... that's soon." 

"Well, sooner the better at this point. I spoke with him about it tonight. I think he knew it was coming, all he did was tell me that it's a shame our marriage failed and walked out the door." 

"Damn. I'm so sorry, Aubrey." 

"Me, too."