Vamos Chamar Isso De Terapia

Capítulo 2 (Inglês)

I just feel so shitty right now. So messed up, so lost. I'm panicking about literally everything and nothing. I feel worthless, desperate, needing to not be alive. Or at least not to be me. I just want to go somewhere isolated and scream. Just scream as loud as I can. I need to feel nothing. The nothingness is what I most desire. To be empty. To not care. To be free. I wish I had wings to fly. I wish I wasn't here. I wish I had nothing and no one around. I wish to be alone. I wish to run, to set free the wild part of me. I wish to run away, to leave everything and everyone behind, to start over, and over again, until I find a place where I feel safe. A place where I can be whomever the hell I am. To start over and over again until I find myself. Until I find home.

A few months ago I came here and said that I was scared that when everything got back to "normal" I would be alone... But the thing is, nothing changed on COVID matters, but I am alone. I feel completely alone at my own "home". No one's listening to me. No one validates my feelings or my words. No one gives a fuck. I can't talk to my friends about this because I don't want them to see this side of me. The self-pity, the sadness, the fear, the weakness; it's ugly. I'm not doing anything right. Everything I do or say just feels wrong. And I don't know how to talk to people about this, not even my mother. She told me today to not blame her, but the truth is, as much as I acted unaffected by the time she was studying at night, I'm not unaffected. It broke me. It made me feel like I couldn't count on anyone, only myself. That's pretty shitty, right? To be this broken? To feel alone like this? I know a lot of it it's generated by my anxiety, but it feels real, and it hurts like a motherfucker. To not feel safe around your family. To not feel wanted. To feel like you're only company are the fictional characters of books, movies and tv shows. I need to take a step back and breathe. But how? When? Where? I feel like a fucking train wreck. I don't know what's wrong, or where this is going, I just know it's not okay, it's not right. The way I dealt with all of this was my imaginary world. But I can't even do that right now, therefore, I'm completely lost. I don't know if I'll ever feel better, and I'm not sure I care.

Se tiver erro de inglês, desculpa, não é meu idioma primário, e apesar de ter concluído o curso, ainda estou buscando a fluência.