LINGR

[One] Eternal Life Sucks

Three Months Later

"Is this thing on?" I chuckle. "I feel like none of you can hear me!"

Silence greets me, but I do not panic. I smile, my lips spreading over my new fangs. It's been a couple of months, and I still wasn't used to the way they could pierce my tongue if I spoke too quickly or if I bit my tongue to ignore the growing desire for the throbbing neck veins of nearly every creature in the room. Still, I tap the microphone in front of me and clear my throat. I gesture at a couple sitting at a table near the stage. "Drinking wine or blood tonight?" I ask.

I laugh, touching my hand to the bright yellow hat on my head. The crowd immersed in darkness does not. I gulp, my throat scratchy and screaming for a drink, and then giggle. "Well, it's certainly refreshing to be here. Thank you for inviting me in!"

Again, no one laughs. Damn. I spent a lot of time working on this set too. I bet if I could still sweat, I would: despite my life goal of being a stand-up comedian, stage fright was real even when I was human. I thought maybe vampirism would make me more confident, but—

"Anyway!" I gesture around. "I'm pretty good-looking for an undead enby, if I do say so myself. I really am the afterlife of the party, so hit me up!"

More silence, with some scattered applause. This is bad. Time is ticking, but my sense of time also doesn't exist anymore because everyday stretches on like a Kafkaesque nightmare. You've seen that meme, right? Now, it truly is my reality, with nothing but eternity for as long as I will exist. Eternity for a depressed young adult is just not the vibe, you know? And for telling when I should end a set, well—

"Well..." I gulp again. Time to wrap this shitshow up. "Thanks for having me—I'll be here all life!"

Someone audibly groans, and I'm not sure if it's loud enough for everyone to hear or it's just thanks to my enhanced undead hearing. Regardless, I plop off the stage and slump over toward the counter where Abi, a fellow vampire, is trying hard not to snicker into her Cosmo. She coughs behind her hand, but I know it's forced because we vampires don't fucking cough. "Good job, Vic!" she says, cheery, flashing her fangs at me in a fake grin.

My eyes narrow at her just as a zombie takes the stage and emits their jokes in "uuuuhhhh"s. Abi's eyes widen and she snorts. "They're getting more laughs than you did, dude."

I roll my eyes. On the one hand, Abi can be a tad too critical and not-so-fun to be around. I know that's because she's a lot older than I am, though she always counters that with "I'm young at heart!" You mean your frozen, unbeating one?

On the other hand, she's really my only friend in the Underworld, and I don't know her all that well yet. Me having a hard time meeting fellow Underworlders is an understatement.

Honestly, eternal life sucks. I guess it's only been three months for me, but still. It especially sucks because my eternal life started with an assault and also—coincidentally because the universe gets a laugh out of me and my life—the night the Underworld revealed itself to the human world. Needless to say, humans are taking it as well as they could have three months later. They freak out when they see Underworlders out in broad daylight (yes, I can go out in broad daylight, so long as I wear a jacket, some shades, and use an umbrella) and often point and stare. Other humans are so enamored that magical beings are real that they bother us doing the most mundane things, like getting a coffee and watching us pour a bit of blood or a potion or whatever into it. Honestly, people who haven't seen a fairy ordering a tiny ass coffee from Starbucks in these last three months are missing out. It's adorable.

Then there are those Underworlders who think we should have never come out into the open; that decision was made solely by the Underworld government, so those citizens—us citizens—really had no say. I definitely did not have a say, seeing as I was newly turned when this all went down. Honestly, after I was bitten, I just wanted to hide. I can thank Abi for helping me out, to be honest.