thirteen :: mgc

21

"Whatever you want to happen."

she sighed and briefly closed her eyes. it was like she was trying to see if this was a dream, instead of pinching herself - because that would require motion and it hurt her too fucking much to move even the slightest.

"but what do i want?" she reopened her eyes and met my - sadder than ever - gaze.

i shrugged, "recovery."

she let out a half-hearted noise that i assumed was a laugh, "if even."

i squinted my eyes at her, "don't say shit like that."

"well," she breathed, "its not looking promising, I can hardly breath without hurting."

"well," i mimicked her, "if you have a little hope."

she closed her eyes and sighed again, "Michael if i do pull through, it'll be nothing short of a miracle."

"why are you talking like that? dont you want to live?"

"yeah, i do. but have you seen me?" she asked with a tone of disgust and sadness. her voice failed her and cracked. i looked up to look at her face, a small tear rolling down her cheek.

i reached up and gingerly wiped it away, and despite all the pain that she knew would come from it, she reached up and put her hand on top of mine and held my hand to her cheek.

she sobbed quietly, not letting me move my hand.

"baby," i whispered.

she didnt answer me.

"baby." I said with more authority.

she opened her eyes and looked at me through tears. i wiped the tears again and then pulled my hand away from her.

"mikey, i-i just, nothing can save me," she stuttered.

i couldnt help but be angry at her for even saying that. she was making it worse by not having any hope in herself. it was making it hard for me to hope.

"i'm too broken," she whispered, almost too quiet for me to hear.

she was pushing me over the edge of anger at the moment. i had to stuff my hands in my pockets to keep myself from doing unspeakable things.

"you are not," i said sternly. she shook her head.

"i'm not going to be okay, even if i do pull through. im going to be the cripple that everyone feels bad for. im just going to b-be... i dunno," she sobbed.

"that doesnt matter," i sighed, my anger washing away just because of how defeated her voice made her sound.

"it doesnt now, but it will, michael," she said. she wasnt kidding and there was nothing in this situation that could make me believe that she was. she was absolutely fucking serious.

"what happened to 'live in the moment'?" i asked. she was the kind of person that always said that, but now she was basically living in the future, even though she didnt even see a future for herself.

"i became a lost cause, that's what happened," she sighed.

i stood up as soon as those words left her mouth. i walked fast to the door and opened it, letting it close as i leaned up against the wall and let my back slide down it. with my hands on my face, i allowed my tears to fall.

my breathing was heavy and i was a huge mess.

i took a few deep breaths to calm myself and then i pulled myself together as i stood up again. i took one last deep breath as i turned that handle and went back into the room. i walked back to the bed side.

she had both of her hands on her face as she sobbed loudly and sniffled away.

i must be the biggest douche in the world to make my hospitalized girlfriend cry her eyes out.

"im sorry."

that was all i could say before she looked at me with so much hate in her eyes.