Dreams Upon A Silver Pine Branch

Chapter 15: When Life Goes Dark

Trigger warning: UPSETTING MESSAGE EXCHANGES AHEAD. DON'T READ IF YOU ARE MENTALLY UNWELL. LISTEN TO THE SONG ABOVE INSTEAD FOR SOMETHING SOOTHING. 

December 15th 2612

From: Johan

To: Kenta

Hey there Hikari,

I'm truly, truly sorry that I haven't been emailing you for days. It's not that you're not important to me, you are. I simply have been too busy. Okay, that's a lie, no one is ever too busy to set a time to write to one of the most important people in their life. I have something to tell you but I was afraid telling you this thing could push you away from me and I didn't want that, still don't. At one point, however, I began to think the risk of not telling you is greater than the risk of losing you, so please bear with me and don't make me sad by running away from me, okay?

Hikari, what I'm about to tell you is probably not something I should confess in writing but I'm afraid if I do a video call with you I'd just totally lose my cool and end up not saying anything.

I... I am suicidal. Actively so, not passively. Before you ask, no, nobody else knows and yes, it is related to my family situation with my parents fighting constantly. I feel that I'm powerless in controlling my circumstance and that I've failed my siblings. They deserve a much better older brother. They deserve someone wiser with a good head above his shoulders—someone like you.

I don't have any means to kill myself right now and I'm desperate enough for someone, anyone, to tell me reasons to keep on living. In case I die before I get to read your reply, though, Hikari, let Nardho and Nardhia know that I do love them so much but I'm not strong enough to keep going. Let them know that their brother is a real coward but they do have someone admirable to look up to—you. Also, I think you know how I feel about you. You've been a great source of comfort to me, so thank you for being my best online buddy even through this great distance.

I guess it's sayonara,

Johan

December 16th 2612

5:24 PM Hinotori time

From: Kenta

To: Johan

For the love of everything in the universe, please tell me you are on your phone right now! Can I call you? I'm sorry I didn't see this until a day later but please please please LIVE! I'm about to go out with Akira and Ezie but that can wait, your safety can't. PLEASE DON"T BE STUPID!

7:28 PM Bataplai, Black Elm time

Yes, I'm on my phone. You catch me at the right time. My parents are gone and my siblings are away at my grandparents', it's just me at home contemplating if I should leave this world behind.

5:29 PM Hinotori time

TELL ME YOU ARE JOKING. Okay, fuck asking for your permission, I'm calling!

----

"Dear Kami-sama, just this once, please let things go according to my plan, not Yours."

Kenta frantically put an offering of some spoonful of cold leftover rice on his family's indoor shrine before running back to his room upstairs, telling Akira that he needed to have one-one-one talk with his therapist and that he didn't want anybody eavesdropping. He knew lying was not the best way to go about handling a crisis, but he wouldn't want to make Johan even more tense by bringing a third party into the mix, even if that third party was a relatively trustworthy person.

"Johan, can you hear me? JOHAN! Whatever you're doing, don't be impulsive!"

"Hikari? I... I didn't think you'd actually want to be on the phone with me. Wait, you can use the phone in this way? I thought you said you're Deaf? Wouldn't texting be better for you?"