Dreams Upon A Silver Pine Branch

Chapter 8: Heart to Heart

"Come on son, at least eat a spoonful." Aikawa was coaxing Kenta, who hid under a blanket, to finish a bowl of clear soup with prawns and shiitake mushrooms. "I know that the poisonous berries probably messed up your digestive system and I understand the mere thought of eating makes you wanna puke, but you need to get something in. Can you try for me? Please?"

"I don't have an appetite," came Kenta's muffled reply. "I have a lot to think about. Things like...Aiden's apology. I'm serious when I said I've forgiven him but I'm afraid Oka-san and Lee won't let him live it down. I get where they're coming from, but I don't want them to grill him or anything. If I were him, I won't appreciate being roasted either."

"Kenta." Aikawa took a deep breath. "All this time I haven't pressed you too much on the matter of bullying because I know you'd just clam up. That's just the way you're built. You've always been the kid who bottles his feelings up. It isn't healthy though, you bottling up your feelings. There are some problems you can't just expect to disappear if you tough it out."

"It's simply stressful thinking of what Uncle Lee and Oka-san are asking Aiden downstairs while you're here keeping me company, Otou-san." Kenta pulled the blanket to cover his face. "Aiden probably feels like he's on a job interview but one in which he won't get the job."

"Well, do you wanna come downstairs and listen to their conversations, then?" Aikawa shrugged. "If you're not eating because you're this worried, maybe you should join them."

"I don't know, I'd expect Uncle Lee and Aiden to probably be having a shouting match. I wouldn't want to watch them scream at each other but on the other hand, this anxiety is killing me." Kenta turned to face the wall. "I'd just wait for Akira to recap everything for me."

"Got you, son." Aikawa nodded understandingly. "By the way, what do you think of talking to someone about being constantly anxious? It's not normal to feel on edge every day. If you're open to the idea of finding help, Lee mentioned to me the other night that one of his friends from undergraduate years is a psychologist. She has experiences working with disabled children."

"That could be useful." Kenta said, still facing the wall. "Otou-san, I think you chose the wrong name for me. I'm not a strong person, physically and mentally. I think I've let everyone down, Grandpa Shigeru included. His poems always have this message of looking for hope and yet here I am, not living up to my name and instead losing sight of the hope I'm supposed to hold on to."

"Come here." Aikawa pulled Kenta into an embrace. "Listen, being strong doesn't mean you can't rely on others. No, son, that's not how it works. Often, you can only be resilient when you assess your limits and acknowledge them. Resiliency isn't about never breaking down but about realizing that there are ways for you to get back up and it's okay if you need someone else to hold your hand when you're slowly getting up. I don't think your name is a mistake."

"You're not angry at me for harming myself?" Kenta's voice grew softer. "Truly?"

"You're a hormonal teenager. I know you're overwhelmed and I can't imagine how sad it would be if on top of dealing with bullying you had to face my anger." Aikawa tightened his embrace on his son. "Just promise me to never ever take such a drastic measure. You almost gave your old man a heart attack, you know. Honestly, I feel like maybe I haven't been a good dad."

"But you are a good dad. I can't ask for a better dad. It's just that for some reason I'm not comfortable sharing everything with you. I know you don't judge but I don't want you to think that I'm weak and spoiled. I want to show you I can be independent and—"

"Independence doesn't mean distancing yourself from your parents, Kenta!" Aikawa frowned and yet kept the tone of his voice reassuring and patient. "Independence means you take responsibility for your own life and right now you're running away from facing your problems head on by refusing to see that what's going on between you and Aiden is out of control."