Luna

Freedom

A void, a darkness. I stare ahead, twirling the ring Oliver slipped on my finger less than half an hour ago. The ring was truly beautiful, but it wasn't my ring. It didn't feel like my ring, but still felt like Sabine's ring. Sabine wore this ring every day and every hour of the day. She had received the ring from Oliver's father, who died before their marriage and before Oliver was born. Sabine was already pregnant with Oliver at the time, though. Sabine had not been with anyone else after his death. The love between the two had been so pure that she could no longer open her heart to a new love. He was her true love. She had not taken off the ring after his death; it reminded her of all the moments with him. Just as she could keep looking at Oliver, she saw him. I wanted nothing more than to return to my old self, my open-minded and happy self. Taking the step to marry Oliver I thought was the step I needed. I thought becoming myself was improving each part piece by piece. But it was finding a hidden wholeness seeing the fractures as the design. I am simply a broken person. I am afraid. Afraid to live and especially afraid to be happy. But what is being happy? Actually being happy? What would that feel like? I don't think I've ever really been happy before. Maybe the brief period with Oliver when the world was still normal. But was I really happy then or was it an escape which felt safe? My head was spinning. I was making everything so complicated for myself that there was no room for simply feeling emotions. Soon, we would land on the moon. The place where everyone who had enough money and influence in the world had quietly moved on with their lives. The idea that anyone could live on the moon without guilt made me nauseous.

I heard a soft knock on the library door. Oliver's face beamed and I poured him a smile. "Are you ready? It will be another fifteen minutes before we will land. I'd like you to put on the suit and come with me to the central door." I nod and slide the ring further on my finger. I reach for his hand and together we walk to the main hall. Everyone around us is running back and forth or busy putting on suits. I feel a calmness over the both of us, as if nothing can hurt us. It feels like a movie scene. Everything goes by in slow motion, without sound and any sense of time. We take a seat on one of the chairs and Oliver snaps me completely into the harness. We no longer exchange words, but I know exactly what is going on inside his head. I lay my hands on his cheeks and feel his warmth flow through my fingers. I press my forehead against his and close my eyes. "I love you." I whisper. I open my eyes and look straight into his. He is my home. In the background, I hear people talking to each other in panic and the cabin is violently shaken, but everything still feels slow. As if my head is not in this reality. Until we come to a stop with a crash. I feel my heart skip a second and abruptly want to get up, until I am pulled back by the harness. Frantically, I pull on the hooks to get them unhooked and full of some frustration when this does not succeed in one fell swoop. Oliver has already gotten himself loose and is unhooking the last hooks from me. I seek his hand as I hoist myself up from the seat. I hear the door of the cabin fall open with a hiss. Coolness and scent resembling wet rained forest flows into the cabin. Goosebumps arise all over my body. I feel the warmth of the incoming sun on my face. My body fills with happiness and I slowly feel tears rolling down my face. I taste the salt water on my lips. I open my eyes and find a smile on Oliver's face and he gently pulls me toward the cabin door. The sky is colored turquoise, filled with stars and the sun is shining. Butterflies of different colors are flying everywhere. The smell of wet forest and flowers enters my nose. In front of us stretches a dark blue lake with a wooden bridge over it. A large arch filled with flowers runs across the beginning of the bridge. On either side of the bridge, small luminous lanterns linger every few steps. Fireflies fly low over the water. I walk slowly off the plank and with some hesitation I put my foot down on the bright green grass. Grass. Something I hadn't seen and felt in so long. I crouch down slowly and place my hands in the grass. I feel my knees get wet with dew and a butterfly takes a small break on my shoulder. Oliver puts his hand on my shoulder and I slide my fingers between his.

"Come, it is time for us to get acquainted with the world on this moon." Oliver winks and pulls me up. "It's like we're in a fairy tale world, like you used to see on television. It feels so unreal." I look at him smiling. I lift my head to the sky and with my arms spread I spin a few circles. Laughing, I run to Oliver, who extends his hand to me. While the rest of the group continues walking on the bridge, I have to take a break and peer into the water. Species of fish I've never seen before. The water seems to glisten in the combination of the moonlight and sunlight. I look at my own reflection in the water. A skinny, white girl with a hollow look in her eyes looks back at me. I look at the ring on my finger and back at my reflection. My smile had sounded empty, while happiness had filled my body. This world, this beautiful world. The warmth it gave, an instant feeling of coming home. But nothing seemed to fill my emptiness. I felt black inside. A surge of emotion overwhelmed me and once again tears rolled down my cheeks. A tear fell into the water and created ripples in the water. Slowly, a swarm of fireflies gathered around me. Water droplets rose from the water and clung to my skin. The wind rounded my body. Like the water, my whole body glistened. All the elements were connected to my body. The moonlight found my face. "Luna?" Oliver could only keep looking at me. "I'm finally home." I smiled.