Marie's POV
Spending time in an asylum can make you go insane for real. It's as if the craziness all around you diffuses in your psyche. I mean I know for a fact I was already kinda crazy before I came here, but now it feels like my life isn't mine. My thoughts and actions are not mine. Heck, it feels like my body isn't mine. I mean if a fucking pill has to determine or control my mood and I am a slave to my mind, then is anything really mine? It's like I am a tent. Maybe I surrendered my soul into the nothingness of the universe and I am merely a parasite now. Trapped, having to exist.
Things will be better if your heart stopped beating.....No...no that's not true....it is. You always say you want to cease to exist...I-I don't mean it.....yes you do...you always do....please, just shut up! Leave me alone.....how can I leave you...I am just a part of you
I jumped out of bed. My mind is my biggest enemy and I can't escape from her. If I can't get rid of her, then I must leave this body. I almost immediately raced out of my room, into the lonely hallways of the hospital. It was nearly 3AM so almost everyone was asleep, except the security guards and a few nurses on night duty.
I was careful enough to move quietly lest I grabbed the attention of one of the guards. Many of the girls here have ran wild before and it's never a pretty sight. There's always some kicking, scratching and crying whilst a large guard drags the wailing lass back into her room. Not my type of drama.
'Marie?' I heard a voice behind me say. Shoot. We've been caught....I didn't have a plan though...please, you know what you wanna do
'Marie, what are you doing here at this time?' the voice said a little more sternly. I slowly turned around, only to be faced with Limpo, a gangly male nurse. He had a genuine look of concern on his face and with him, was a cart with some meds. Bingo.
'I couldn't sleep...nightmares...p-please don't call the guards on me. I'll go back when I am ready'
'You know you're not allowed to be out of your room at this time'
'Please...I just need a stroll' I begged. I could tell from his face that he was about to argue, so I had to think fast.
'I can walk with you, that way you can supervise me'. He sighed in defeat but smiled at me. 'Sure'
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The walk with Limpo was not long, he told me he had to deliver the cart to a certain room whose name I did not pay attention to. He tried asking me about my mental health but of course, I only responded in monosyllables. He then went on to make small talk, telling me about his fiancee, which I found cringe and boring. I began to regret asking him to 'supervise' me. Then a miracle happened. His fiancee called. He stared at his phone reluctantly.
'Mind if I take this? Promise I wont be long' I shrugged as if I were not interested, then he walked into a near bathroom. My opportunity to act fast. I began to feel nervous. Like I knew what I had to do, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to do it. Am I contemplating? Maybe I am getting better.
He's gone. Now is your chance. Oh fuck, the thoughts are back. Yet again, my mind is telling me what to do.
'I am not sure if I want to do this' I whispered to myself. Sure you do. It will all end. The pain will stop. You won't have to go on. Maybe I don't have to die for the pain to stop. Please. You're nearly twenty years old and it has not gotten any better. It will never get better. Life is nothing but a cycle of pain. That is not true...Oh yeah? If I was wrong, you would have been happy by now.
I exhaled deeply. She's right. I am right. Very quietly but quickly, I grabbed a small, white container that held white and blue pills. I slid the top off and immediately popped a pill in my mouth. Good girl....now take another pill. I obeyed my thoughts. You're not going to be successful if you are this slow. Down them all at once!
I brought the container to my mouth and gulped several, tears forming because I began to choke violently, had I known that my coughs were loud enough to grab Limpo's attention, perhaps I would have slowed down because before I knew it, he was back by the cart.
'Marie, are you oka-'. He stopped mid sentence the minute he noticed the empty pill container still in my hands. He let out a gasp and became wide eyed. 'What have you done!' he exclaimed. It was pretty obvious so I knew it was a rhetorical question. Nonetheless, I turned away from him and ran away before he could try get the pills out of my body.
'Marie? Oh my lord...GUARDS! GUARDS! ANYONE? HELP' he began to shout frantically. I just kept running. It was only a matter of time till the pills began to work. I started to feel feverish, sweaty and nauseous. The emergency alarm began to ring loudly. Soon everyone will be awake and the guards will be on the hunt for me. I decided to hide in a closet that was nearby. Running was too risky. They'd eventually find me, this I knew, but if I can delay it then its only my dead body they will be retrieving.
Ten minutes passed and no one had found me but I could still hear the commotion. I had began puking a foamy like liquid and my stomach felt like it was being internally drilled. Why did dying by my own hand have to be so slow and painful. The puking was continuous and I felt as if all the water had been drained from my body. I could barely even move. I was laying on my back, staring at the ceiling, waiting for it to finally end.
Maybe you'll end up just choking on your own vomit. Such a pitiful death
Even in my last moments after doing what she wanted, my own mind is working against me...
