always good, but never good enough

I was always good, but never good enough

I want to start this out with that I realize I do have privileges in my life. I am white, I have a job, I went to college (via loans tho), and I've never been homeless or starving. I am so grateful for that.

But.

And I know some people might be rolling their eyes at the but. Because but's or however's Immediately dismissed the prior statement. I get it. 

BUT.

I am tired. I am exhausted. I am constantly spiraling with anxiety and depression every day. I have so much debt, tears, and I feel like a useless fucking human. I have so much I want to accomplish, but I absolutely cannot find the energy, time, or the money to invest the time into my hobbies.

I did everything "right." I was the girl who never drank, had sex, or smoked in high school. I had exactly one boyfriend, I graduated with honors. I did everything I was supposed to. I never talked back to my mother, I accepted the fact my parents hate each other and will never have a civil conversation. I try to pretend I'm not superstitious or that I believe in karma. I know life is NOT fair. But what was the point in all of it if I just ended up here? Depression and crying constantly?

To be cheated on? Raped? Abused? Neglected emotionally by my family? I've become the girl who is in crippling debt, but will give my last dollar to my mother because she "brought me into this world and can take me out." What's the point of love? What's the point of college? If we are doomed anyways. If the rich will stay rich and the poor will stay poor.

I studied English in school after switching majors multiple times. I was always the smart girl, but not the SMART girl. I was always good, but never good enough. I loved reading and writing enough to pass my classes, but not enough to get recognized by my professors. Around sophomore year I realized no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn't meant for greatness.

My job. My boss loves me. Everyone loves me. But I've been denied promotions. I'm the best at my 37k year job and that's where I'll stay. I have more debt than I make in a year. And still, my inability to have someone else suffering or mad at me will always come first before myself.

I'll just say it - I want a story of mine to go viral on Wattpad, I want to be a YouTuber, I want to stream games. But the constant and continuous remind that I am not enough is probably the worse pain I've ever felt. Why go after my passion when I should just work four jobs to pay off my debt and then die?

I don't know.

What's the point? 

What's the point if I'm always good, but never good enough?

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This thread is a mess, but I wanted to get it out there. If anyone stops by to read this, thank you. 

p.s. this started with a youtuber I watch buying a house and she is four years younger than me

also

p.s.s. I realized that I love new adult books, but am now considered an adult at 26 and im panicking.