Tired of giving into you

~3~

~ts to Vicki going on tour~

Vicki POV

Today's the first day I'm on tour. I left Greg yesterday before I came on tour. My body has loads of scars and bruises on it from Greg. I don't really like men and don't show my feelings to anyone. I'm a bit apprehensive of physical touch as I don't want to get hurt. It's hard and I'm often on edge but I'm getting there.

I get to the theatre really early, so I can explore and make sure all of my bruises and scars are covered. I'm the new person in the cast and I don't want to exclude myself from everyone or make them all have bad impressions of me.

I check who I'm in a dressing room with. It says Nat and Caitlin. They have recently both joined the cast as well. I sit down at the far end of the room on the separate desk and set up my things.

I start doing my make-up, making sure to cover every mark on my face so I don't scare people off. Just as I finish Nat and Caitlin come in. They say hi to me and I return it.

I start to feel a bit hungry but I shake it off. I struggle with food a bit. Every time I go to get something I think of him.

My stomach starts rumbling loudly. I see Nat come over to me. She places her hand on my shoulder. I tense up. She takes it off. "Sorry. You sound hungry. Have this." She hands me a cereal bar. I have a look at the packet. It looks ok so I apprehensively open it and slowly eat it. I eat about a quarter and chuck the rest in the bin. It's all I can handle.

After a while a call comes over the tannoy for us to all go to stage. I'm guessing it is so we can start tech. I walk down to the stage and see everybody hugging each other. I stay back. I don't want to get hurt. I get passed a pink t-shirt and put it on over my hoodie. I see all of the girls give me weird looks. Nat comes forward and says "aren't you gonna get too hot Vicki?" I shake my head. I will get too hot. I'm already sweating. But I don't want the girls to see my arms or anything. If they see my body they will worry. I mean I'm severely underweight and covered in cuts and bruises.

We start tech and everything is going smoothly. Well that is until we go through all you wanna do. I don't have the modified choreography I had in town. It gets to the last chorus and all of the girls have their hands on me. I struggle to stop myself from flinching. I can tell they are all worried by the looks on their faces. I mean I guess it sounds really realistic.

When the song finishes I start crying. Lots. I run off stage and dump my mic on a table close by. I run off to the dressing room and lock the door. After a few minutes I hear someone knock on the door. I ignore it. Until I hear a key in the door. Which means it can only be Caitlin or Nat. I'm guessing Nat because Caitlin will be doing tech.

She opens the door and cautiously comes in and sits in front of me. She reaches her hand out to hold mine but I move away. She starts talking to me. Just about random rubbish. But it calms me down. It reminds me of everything Collette did for me. I soon stop crying and take off my t-shirt. I'm too hot. I also take off my jumper and long sleeved top from underneath, forgetting I only have a sports bra on. I hear Nat gasp. I forgot she was here. I'm going to have to explain now.

"Do you wanna tell me about it?" She asks. I nod and take a deep breath in.

"I've just left an abusive relationship I've been in for a good 5 years now. It was hard. I hardly ate or drank or slept. Obviously it was physical. But it was also mentally abusive." Nat nods. She moves over to her bag. "Do you want some food?" She asks. I cautiously nod my head. She gets out a sandwich. Just cheese and ham. She passes it to me. I cautiously unwrap it and take a few small bites. I really want to eat it but I don't want to make myself feel sick. "Why don't you eat one half and I eat the other?" She asks. I nod and pass her the other half of the sandwich. She takes it out of the box and starts eating it slowly. When Nat has finished her half I am about a quarter way through but I don't think I can eat any more. I put it down. "I can't do no more." She nods. "That's ok. We can try more later or tomorrow. I'm going to help you Vicki. I know it may be hard but Frankie, she plays the guitar, she's been in an abusive relationship before. She will understand better. Do you think talking to her would help?" I just nod and smile. I'm happy I've told someone.

"Right. Let's go back down to the stage. What are we putting on? Just the pink t-shirt or do you want your long one underneath?" I grab my long one and put it on. I put my pink tee over the top and smile at Nat. She nods at me as if to say it will be ok. I quickly grab my concealer and cover my face and we walk down to the stage. We get down and they have just finished tech and are doing notes. "Ah Vicki, quick question. Do you want the girls to hover their hands over you instead of touch you? One of the other girls got a text from Collette saying that's what they used to do." I nod my head and smile slightly. I know they will never know how I feel but at least I don't need to hide it too much.