I love you

do i?

i wasnt in love with boris.

my mother had never talked about her opinion on gay people, i knew deep down she wouldnt have cared but i knew my father would.

i already felt like he resented me, this surely wouldnt help. but goddamnit!

"im not gay!" i said loudly, waking myself from my sleep, i heard people adjusting themselves around me.

i sat there on the bus, embarrassed.

i half heartedly looked to my side, i yearned to feel boris' arm against my waist. or his eyes that sparkled with the alcohol that always seemed to be in his system.

my eyes shot open, stinging with tears. i breathed in heavily, my body was shaking, i looked around the room when a voice coated in sleep spoke, "is okay potter, only me." boris said his familiar voice calmed my nerves but i couldnt get my breathing under control. his pale arm stretched over my waist, and the mattresss we'd both slept on countless nights.

he turned on his side and pulled my closer to his body. "is only me theo." he never called me theo. never. i felt his breath on my bare shoulder, i never slept with a shirt on. boris didnt care, he'd made fun of me at first but he didnt care then either.

i felt my heart pound against my chest, "why so scared, potter?" boris said in his deep accent, "i feel your heart beating." he moved his hand against my chest "bump. bump. bump. what is wrong?" he asked, i could feel his eyes against the sode if my face. i shifted against the sheets so i was facing him "nothing. im fine." i said trying to hide my nervousness, "no you are obviously not!" he said rapping his knuckle against my skull.

i took his wrist in my hand "boris, im okay." i said, dropping his arm as quickly as id grabbed it. a silence fell between us. two boys starring at the ceiling in the middle of the night.
"why do you not like touching me?" boris said slowly "what are you talking about?" i said, my face getting hot "you dont like it when, i touch you, not like that potter! you never like it when i touch your hands or chest! and you dont touch me either." he grumbled

a bump on the road tossed me out of my memories. i dont love boris.

do i?