~ 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐑 ~

Getting Personal

So, I'm going to write some more intimate facts about me on this chapter that most people probably don't know about me. Some of it is a bit hard to talk about, but I think that it is important to get it out there.

Trigger Warning; mentions of suicide

#1: I am a reformed pathologic liar. I would lie about a lot of details in my life for both attention and because I was scared to actually tell the truth about my life, because I thought my life was... boring. Uneventful. Sad. So, I tried to lie about it back when I was 14 and it went on until I was about 15, then I stopped. It's actually the reason why I got banned from the site I was on before this, Quotev, when a lie went way too far. But, I did learn my lesson, my mental health improved, I kicked myself in the ass, and stopped lying. I started embracing who I was.

#2: I was heavily bullied in middle school, mostly 7th and 8th grade. This was back when I was big on being myself and not trying to change for anyone and I would try to hang out with the more popular, not so nice group who only like me when I would bully another kid(we'll call him C) and that was all. When I started being nice to him, they would turn on me, so we had to pretend that we weren't friends, it was a really fucked situation. However, in the end of 6th grade, he moved to Texas and the bullying attention shifted to me. So, because I was pretty ADHD and a bit Autistic, I would find it hard to stand or stay still for long periods of time, so I would sway while standing and they'd mock it, make it more sexual, call me a weirdo for it. They would mock me online too, posting things on Instagram that they said looked like me, mostly mean things. Honestly, it was all of this that I think contributed to my lying faze in freshman year of high school, when being myself just got me bullied. 

#3: I used to be with someone pretty manipulative back when I was about 16 or 17?? I don't remember her exact age, but we'll call her Q. Q was nice in the beginning, we'd talk along on Quotev, roleplay, all that, but then I did something that I wasn't proud of: I cheated on her. I know, I know, hit me with a tick, boo me, but I was young and really didn't understand the ramifications of what I was doing. Obviously, she found out, dumped me, and that was that. I was with the other girl for a while longer, but things didn't work out, so she also dumped me. Mind you, both of these were online relationships, which I also regret because there were actual girls at my school that I could have talked to, but I turned to online ones instead. But, I digress. So, a while after that, Q and I started talking again, got in contact, roleplayed more, and eventually? We got back together. This is where things went downhill. She treated me like absolute shit, wouldn't let me do anything, was convinced I was cheating on her again, threatened to block and leave me, forced me to talk to her 24/7 to the point that my grades were slipping, threatened to kill herself multiple times if I went somewhere where I couldn't talk to her, and a bunch of other deplorable shit. This went on for a long while and yes, I did try leaving her, blocking her, cutting her out, but she would give her friends my actual phone number and get them to text me, guilting me into unblocking her. I remember one time in particular when me and my family were gonna go to Cabo San Lucas and she was particularly wrapping my emotions around her little finger, saying she was gonna kill herself if I went, she would be so sad, oh blah, blah, blah. Eventually, I convinced her by saying I would text her in the morning before I left and that was that. I forgot and she started going "fuck you!" sending middle fingers, saying how I was the worst, and other things, so I ended up blocking her until I got back a week later. And guess what? SHE WAS FINE! Talked about how sad she was when I left, but she was FINE! 

Now, a few details about this story: 

~ I did lie to her, quite a lot actually, I made an entire persona because I felt completely trapped. I took it way too far though, lying about mental illnesses, deaths in the family, etc., but I was honestly terrified of telling her anything real about myself because I was worried she'd use it against me.

~ She was a bit younger than me at the time, so that was another mistake I made with her lol.

~ She lived in Illinois. I'm in California.

~ She would bring up the one time I cheated CONSTANTLY and if I ever so much as MENTIONED another girl, she would go off about how all men suck, how I'm probably cheating on her, how she couldn't believe it, oh poor her!

Now, all of this manipulative shit went on for a good... idk... few years I'd say?? I'm not actually sure when I first met her, so don't quote me on these numbers. But, eventually, her parents found out about us and actually threatened to call the cops and file a police report against me for, get this, "sexual harassment". You know what I had done? I sent a small chapter of the book "50 Shades of Gray" that we were both giggling about and apparently, that was sexual harassment. Luckily, nothing ever happened, but imagine? Anyway, as you can probably guess, I got out of contact with her after that and since then, I haven't really looked into online relationships. I probably had... 1 more online relationship after her, but that was it. 

#4: The reason why I started exercising and getting my life right was actually because of a pretty recent brush with suicide I had. So, I've been pretty lax about my weight because if I'm honest? I didn't care if I lived or died for a while, in fact, a heart attack would have been a mercy because I felt so useless to the world. But, in recent months, my mental health began to improve, I started taking care of myself and I actually did want to live. So, I started eating less, exercising a little, etc. I forget exactly what happened, I remember being stressed about school ,feeling like I was gonna fail, my dad was on my back about my grades demanding all A's, and he made some comment about the amount I was eating and I guess you could say I just... lost it. I grabbed a box cutter, went into the bathroom, texted all of my friends goodbye, and I attempted to slit my wrists. I wasn't successful, though I tried, and I ended up just sitting there crying, thinking about my life. After getting a firm talking to from one of my friends and making another one actually cry over how stupid what I did was, I told myself that I hated feeling like that and a week or more from that day, I started taking 2 - 2.5 mile walks around my neighborhood every day. So, happy ending! :)

#5: Now, I am going to tell you about when my mental health was at it's lowest point: Junior year of high school and Senior year. So, as you saw from the previous story, my dad is really big about grades. Grades are like... the MOST important things to him, which is probably because that's what it is in Persian culture. But, in those years, he was on my back all the time, screaming at me about my progress reports, demanding to see my grades, taking away all of my electronics, making mean remarks, it was awful. Granted, I was a D - F student because I was so anxious and didn't think school mattered, but he made it no better. I would spend so many hours in my room plagued by dark thoughts, thinking about ending it all, writing out notes that I wanted to say to my dad, I thought about how stupid I felt, how insignificant I felt because all my family had amazing degrees and I didn't, etc. 

The thing was, I had a whole team of mental health professionals at my disposal, but I was so scared to open up because I didn't want them to report me to someone, lock me up, or even worse think I was weak or stupid, so I essentially closed up. I talked to no one about all of this until much later. My dad did try to help me with math and physics, but it always ended in him screaming at me and me crying, and no, he hasn't changed. It's just that I don't hear him yelling at me anymore, I have to listen to him scream and make mean comments to my poor mother that was the one who actually got me through high school. It is constant, I mean from accidentally leaving a light on or the fact that she falls asleep in front of the TV, the nagging, whining, and yelling is just so much! He thinks he's the victim in it all and doesn't consider how he makes other people feel. 

#6: Just a little fun fact: I got into the works by H.P. Lovecraft and my love for dark things from spending so much time on the Villains Wiki and the Marvel Wiki. Actually, Amatsu-Mikaboshi(The Chaos King) from Marvel inspired me to make my first cosmic entity OC: Alastair Ath'tethaun!

It was that and this Phoenix Force account that I RPed with, both of those things inspired me to make the crazy ass characters I have today. 

#7: I am actually a pretty nice, polite, and caring guy, but my social skills are absolutely dreadful. I blame both my Autism and because I've spent so many years in my room on the computer that my IRL social skills have gone to shit- I'm horrible at reading verbal cues and body language and will sometimes get myself worked up because I think someone is annoyed or mad at me, but they aren't.