I'll Never Say revamped

4

    Paul sat on one of the only clear patches of grass on that hill, surrounded by debris and scraps of ruined metal. Patryck was sprawled out on the roof of their car a few feet away, quietly reading a book. Despite the awful memories this place held, he found himself at peace on the warm grass. Inside the base was a hectic nightmare of moving bodies and never-ending stress. It felt like someone was always turning to him for answers he just couldn't provide. He learned by now that he had to be strong and put together for the army's eyes. Maybe that wasn't exactly how he felt, but when he couldn't even turn to patryck for comfort it was just easier to pretend nothing was wrong with him.

Obviously, things were wrong. His son was missing! 3 agonizing months crawled by with absolutely no leads, and with Tord's boyfriends suddenly disappearing a week ago, Paul was starting to think things would never get better. No matter how much he tried to cheer himself up, those thoughts continued to circle his mind.  Oh, what would Patryck think if he knew the things Paul thought of their current situation? His skin tingled with the desire for Patryck's warm body against his. For his comfort. 

"Oh Tord," He whispered, allowing his heavy lids to fall shut. "My strong, strong boy. Please, don't let them win." The words fell past his lips and disappeared into the air like the smoke from the cigarettes he so often smoked. Warmth wet his cheeks, and his quick attempts to wipe them away proved useless as they only fell faster. Trying to swallow past the thick lump in his throat proved to be difficult, his shoulders starting to quiver.

Shame clawed at his stomach, a little voice in the back of his head reminding him he had yet to gain permission to cry. How selfish was he to cry when everyone needed him to be strong? No, he didn't get to cry. Yet, why wouldn't the tears stop? He tried too hard to suppress the pain the last 3 months caused him. He did everything he could not let it show. It wasn't right, he had to be strong. Strong for Tord. Strong for Patryck. For everyone! 

"Paul!" Patrycks voice broke him from his thoughts, his husband's concerned face now inches from his own. He averted his eyes, his stomach doing somersaults at the prospect of meeting his eye. His soft hands gently cupped his face, thumbing away his never-ending tears. "Hey, what's wrong?" 

"N-nothing! I'm fine, go away," He huffed, pushing Patrycks hands away despite himself. How could he ever let Patryck see him like this? Why couldn't he stop crying!?

"Please don't lie to me, baby." The look of hurt that flashed in his honey-colored eyes stung. His jaw quivered with the unspoken words of despair that threatened to make themselves known. Hugging himself tightly, forcing down the overwhelming sickness that filled him, his stomach tugging and pulling on itself. 

"M not lying, I'm fine!" He croaked. Everything was too much. Between the pressure building in his throat to the worried gaze of his husband against his skin, it felt like he was going to implode. The rough feeling of his sweater against his skin was not helping. 

"We both know you're not, carebear. You can talk to me about it," Patryck soothed in a honey-smooth voice, his hands scorching as they slid across his back. Was it too much to ask for him to go away? Gagging horribly, acid burned the back of his throat painfully. Patryrck rubbed a pressure point at the base of his neck, mumbling soft words of comfort as he finally wretched. It burned his throat as bile forced its way from his trembling mouth, but the feeling of his husband against him made it slightly better… 

"Come here," Patryck cooed once the vomiting stopped, pulling the shorter male into his chest and rubbing up and down his back. Any of Paul's attempts to reassure the male that he was fine were ignored, cracking him further. "You don't need to be ok, you don't need to lie and hide your pain anymore. I haven't been a good husband, have i? I ignored your need for comfort to keep myself from breaking too, but that was selfish."