Weakness (Zuodeng)

Nineteen

“I told you you’re going to be a successful idol!” Jiaxin told Zuo the next evening as they were sitting in their room. “You haven’t even debuted but you’re already turning heads!”

“Thanks.” Zuo smiled. “I think if you didn’t convince me that I’d be good, I would have probably been kicked out by now. You’re the best boyfriend ever.”

“Boyfriend?” Jiaxin asked in surprise yet was happy to hear the words.

Their conversation was cut short by a knock on their door.

“I wonder who that is.” Jiaxin said as he walked over to the door. He opened it and was surprised to see Zhixin on the other side. “No.”

“What?” Zhixin asked him. “I don’t want to see you, I want to see Zuo.”

“So that you can go back to Mrs. Wang and complain that Zuo is disturbing you!? Stay away from Zuo!” he warned.

“Jiaxin,” Zuo got up from his bed. “It’s okay, I’ll talk to him.”

“You shouldn’t.” Jiaxin replied.

“Stop ordering Zuo around will you?” Zhixin added. “Zuo let’s talk a bit in the corridor.”

“Okay.” Zuo replied then turned to Jiaxin. “It’s fine. He wouldn’t go complain to Mrs. Wang when he’s the one who wanted to meet me.”

“Fine.” Jiaxin relapsed. “But if he does anything mean, you better tell me.”

Zuo smiled and walked out. Zhixin and him leaned on the wall next to his door.

“Jiaxin really likes you. He’s fond of you.” Zhixin told him.

“Well yes,” he nodded. “What did you want to say?”

“Are you mad over the Xinhao thing?” he asked him.

Zuo shook his head. “I was mad that time, I’m fine now. I’m learning to accept that our life took different paths and we can’t go back. Sorry for bothering you by still liking you after all that time.”

Zhixin sighed. “I dated Xinhao because I was lonely. When I came here, it was so hard to live without you. So I needed someone to distract me and Xinhao was the perfect target.”

“That’s not very nice. That’s somehow like using someone.”

“I know, which is why I broke up with him.”

“You did?” Zuo widened his eyes in surprise.

“Yes I did,” Zhixin nodded. “I broke up with him today. Because it seems…the person I wanted was you, not him…”

“No.”

“Yes.” Zhixin countered. “It was you I wanted all this time. I tried to get over you because I was with Xinhao but that didn’t work either. I still love you Zuo.”

“How could you say this now when…when I was just getting over you?” Zuo shook his head. “It’s not fair. Am I joke to you!?”

“You’re not. I’ve always loved you. I know you still love me too.”

“I don’t.”

“Look me in the eyes and say it.”
Zuo slowly looked into Zhixin’s eyes. They were so beautiful, and he couldn’t say the words. Instead, tears lined his eyes.

“Just as I thought.” Zhixin slightly smiled. “I knew you wouldn’t stop loving me.”

The sentence made Zuo feel confused. He knew he probably still loved Zhixin, but now he also loved Jiaxin. Jiaxin had always been there for him since he arrived, and it was obvious that he loved him.

Zhixin opened his arms and pulled Zuo into a hug. Zuo leaned against him, not sure whether what he was doing was right or wrong. But as he felt Zhixin’s familiar hands and smelled his familiar smell, he couldn’t help but melt into it.

“I love you.” Zhixin said to him.

“I love you too.” he found himself replying.