What it Feels Like to Drown

Drowning inside

Did you know that when you are trying to drown yourself you never breath in till the last minute. The body has its own ways of protecting itself, so even if you want to you won't let the water in entail you can no longer breath.

I'm a 15 year old girl. I would consider my family pretty normal. A mom who is loving (out in public at least), a dad who works hard to support his family, an older daughter who is fixing to go off to collage that her parents are so proud of, and me the youngest daughter.  On the outside we look like a normal family with no problems, but no one ever looks to see the truth. My mother comes home from her job(she's a baker) everyday in a bad mood. She is the manager at work so it's understandable. If something isn't the way she wants she will bight your head off. My dads pretty chill other then him being a racist homophobe. He goes to work every morning then normally comes home and watches TikTok in his chair. My sister well I mean she's an older sister how else can I explain it. She went to high school graduated with straight A's. And of corse that summer she went to babysit a kid and the kids parents sent her home with a dog and $100 to take care of it. What are the literal odds of that. She works as a pharmacist in her free time. She is fixing to go to collage. I don't know I guess I'm just happy to get her out of my hair. Then me. Well like I said earlier I'm 15. I am in the 9th grade and make straight A's. I am 5'4 have brown eyes, brown hair, and am apart of the lgbtqia+ community. To be more specific I am bi. If you don't know what that means we'll let me just explain it to you. Pretty much it just means you have an attraction to two or more genders. In my case I am attracted to all genders. I just honestly have a preference which is the only thing that qualifies me into the category. Trust me I absolutely hate boys I only tolerate them because I may like a few.

You may be wondering how long have I known. Well I guess it's been about two years ago.... One of my friends had came out as bi and confessed to her crush. She got rejected, I felt so bad for her yet at the same time I was kind of happy for some reason.  At the time I thought I was a jerk. Before she had told her crush that she liked them I was so jealous and I couldn't understand why. I mean we had been best friend for as long as I could remember. Then one day I went home and was scrolling through YouTube when I found a video that said "How to know if you have a crush on someone." I watched the entire video and by the end of it I was in complete shock. I had a crush on my best friend. I had always been an ally of the lgbtqia+ community so there were a lot of videos about it in my recommendations.  I like to watch anime a lot and I thought that a lot of the girls were cute but I never really thought that was weird. I thought hey it's fine everyone does this when watching anime that's why they give them big boobs and buts I mean they're supposed to be attractive. 

I stayed in the closet for a while. A year later I finally got up the courage I went up to my crush (witch keep in mind is my best friend and is bi herself)  which we just happened to sit beside each other. I have a feeling it's because she is one of my only two friends so ya. I finally said it. I was just like "Hey so you know how your bi right." She was like yeah (in my head I was like this is a terrible plan why did you say that of corse she knows she's bi), Then I said "I just thought I would tell you I'm bi too." She then proceeded to tell me how she was proud of me for trusting her enough to tell me. Ps-our school is very small and southern so there are very few lgbt members there and all of them are closeted except to each other.  The next day I decided to tell my other friends that way we could all talk about stuff like this together. Now this friend was a bit harder because she isn't gay if any sorts. I ended up just kind of blurting it out and accidentally let it slip that I had a crush on our friend. She then looked at me with a smile on her face and told me she was proud that I was being myself.  Then school was a-lot easier except for the fact that I still had a crush on my best friend.

Authors Note
Hello everyone I hope you are enjoying my book. I am going to put this into every single chapter. If you need help of any kind please seek out and find it. Do not stay in the shadows in pain. You will feel so much better once you get help. Also just a disclaimer there will be mentions of mental abuse and bullying in this story so if you are not comfortable with these sorts of things then please do not read this. I will be sure to put warnings in the chapter title if these things are mentioned the the chapter.  Thank you for reading and please stay safe and healthy love you all bye!