Monachopsis

Chapter 34: Letters

"Um, hi, mom and dad," I pace around Riley's living room, "I just wanted to say thank you. I know Riley and her grandpa greatly appreciated your gesture. I know things between us haven't been great, but I would like to fix things. I hope things can change for the better. You just have to meet me halfway."

I'm grateful this is the one time their phone went to voicemail, and I ended the call. Maybe things can get better. I won't get my hopes up too high, but a daughter can dream.

I walk towards the bedroom, ready to finally take off my black dress from today. A lot happened today, and I imagine Riley is relieved the day is over as much as I am. Riley is lying against the bed on her back. She's dressed up still except for her jacket that's been thrown in the middle of the ground. When I snicker at her, Riley opens her eyes to look at me, "That was fast."

"Voicemail," I shrug my shoulders, kneeling in front of Riley. I carefully untie her shoes one by one, slipping them off and tossing them off to the side.

Riley sits up on her forearms, smiling, "You don't have to undress me."

"You were gonna get your dirty feet on these cleans sheets," I tease, walking over to the dresser to remove my jewelry. I watch Riley standing up and walking up behind me in the mirror. Keeping eye contact with me in the mirror, she slowly unzips the back of my dress and drags her hand up the length of my back until she slips it off of my shoulders.

Riley just wraps her arms around my body, holding me close. I stare at her face through the mirror. Her eyes are closed as she presses her cheek against my head. She looks exhausted as I reach my hand up to caress the side of her face. Riley hums as I turn around to wrap my arms around her neck, hers retightening around my waist.

As we stand here in each other's embrace, I find myself thinking about everything that's happened so far in my life to make it to this point. Maybe the high emotions of today are getting to me. As much as I feel beyond grateful for this moment, I feel like happiness isn't a luxury I deserve to have. The majority of my life has been being proven time and time again that I'm a stepping stone in people's lives. I'm the acquaintance, the hookup, the disappointment- I have never been worthy of more.

Why am I different in Riley's eyes?

"Would things be different if all of this hadn't happened?" I ask quietly, hiding my face.

"Different how?"

"Would you still be with me if it wasn't for your grandma getting sick?" I pause, "I mean, are you only attached to me because I was around for all of this?"

Riley pulls her head back and stares down at me, "You think I'm only with you because you're- what? Convenient?"

I can see the hurt on her face, and I feel even worse, "No, I don't know. I just don't understand why you're with me."

Riley brings her hands up to my face, brushing the stray hair out of the way. I feel her thumb brush against my cheek, "Do you not understand how wonderful you are?"

"I-" I start, but Riley presses her finger against my lips.

"When I look at you, I see a beautiful, funny, and loving woman," Riley smiles, "I was crazy about you before you even knew my name, Emily. I know this hasn't been the longest relationship, but I feel like I've waited my whole life for someone to come in and make me feel like you do."

My eyes get glossy against my will.

"If anything, the fact that you stuck by my side through-" Riley lets out a small, breathy laugh, "You've just proven something I already knew. You genuinely care about me, and I don't scare you away."