Two Ghosts

Chapter 20

I wake up to an extremely sharp pain on my neck: I think some bones are about to break and the air is no longer available in my system. I open my eyes and I see the numbed expression of the man that fell asleep next to me. He is having a nightmare. He spent a whole week without an incident, what happened?

-Buck.-I say with difficulty, I can barely breathe. We are on the floor, so I grab his arms and make us roll on the mattress until I am over him and start removing his hands from my throat as I hold him down with my legs. I notice I am stronger than he is, which makes me want to smile proudly, but now is not the time. I cough a few times when I am finally set free, but he still tries to choke me.-It's me.-my voice is raspy, thanks to his bad dream. I press my feet against his chest and jump backwards to get away from him to save up energy to hit him in the face.-Wake up.-I say as a final chance, but the rage in his eyes tells me he will not stop until I die. He walks towards me and I punch him in his left cheekbone.-Sorry.-he complains for the pain and stays down for a second. I walk up to him and help him get up, his breathing is going crazy and he is sweating like he is in hell. Altough, he might as well be in his own personal hell.
-Jade?-I take him to a chair and help him sit carefuly. I did not hit him that hard, but I suppose his head is a mess.
-I'm here.-I show him a warm smile, but his eyes go straight to my neck, where I am sure there are marks of his metal hand. I grunt, because I know what is coming.-It's nothing...
-I did it again.-he hides his face between his hands, rocking back and forth in the chair with the guilt coming out of his pores.-I can't believe I did it again.
-Bucky, it's not your fault.-I place my hand on his back, but he abruptly stands up and takes a few steps away from me.
-Don't come any closer.-he orders, and I sigh.
-You won't hurt me.-I affirm as I begin to get closer.
-You don't know that.-he raises his voice and shows me the palm of his hand.-Just stay away.
-Bucky, you didn't hurt me. Not on purpose. Whatever Hydra put in your head controlled you tonight, but it's gone...-he closes his eyes and falls on his knees. I freeze in my place while he shivers on the ground, he feels powerless and vulnerable, I can see that. Like Hydra could still manipulate him even though they are not around anymore.-It's not your fault...
-Stop saying that!-he explodes.-Stop lying.
-I'm not lying.-I frown. I want to go and embrace his quivering body, but he will possibly shut me out.-I know it's not your fault. Not this, not the things they made you do as the Winter Soldier, it wasn't you.-I let out all that I had stuck in my chest, every single thing I wanted to say to him since I found him again.-You were brainwashed, I know you wouldn't hurt all those people. That's not you.
-Well, it was me.-he cuts me off.-It was me who did all those things.-he stands up and one of his hands goes to his chest, putting even more blame on himself.-It's my face in the nightmares of countless families, my hands killed thousands of people.-he sighs. I see the tears about to fall from his eyes.-I murdered husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, daughters and sons.-his voice gets lower and lower with every word he says. This is heartbreaking.-I did it. They'll remember me for that, not for anything else.

We both stay silent for a second or two, then he walks to the mattress and sits in it, staring at the wall. I exhale enraged. How can I make him understand what I already know? How can I help him see himself the way I do? I go to the mattress and sit next to him, and this probably annoys him, but right now I do not care.

-Aren't you gonna talk to me into forgiving myself?-he does not stop looking at the wall, and I can tell he is trying very hard to do it.
-No.-I whisper.-If you're not ready to hear it, that's fine.-my hand takes his metal one, but I do not know if he notices it, becuase he does not react to it.-I just don't want you to be alone.-his chin falls to his chest, and only then his metal hand squeezes mine. The tears roll down his skin as he starts to sob.

I pull him in and surround his shoulders with an arm, and let him cry his eyes out close to my chest. Some salty drops fall from my eyes, too. Having him like this in my arms breaks my heart and makes me feel powerless. I wish I could do something else to help him.