𝐿𝑜𝓃𝓁𝑒𝓎 𝒯𝑜𝑔𝒽𝑒𝓉𝑒𝓇

Chapter 2

I woke up being blinded by the sunlight that slipped through the pale and thin curtains. I felt lightheaded and my body was telling me to just close my eyes and fall asleep again, but my mind was bothered. Something felt... different.

I fully opened my eyes and realized that this wasn't my room. The realization made me straighten up and I jumped out of bed ignoring the dizziness that took over me. I slowly sneaked to the door but then hesitated to open it. But why would I even be scared? Whatever was behind that door would eventually face me. It made no difference whether I was to suffer from it now or later.

I found myself in a small living room barley filled with more than a couch and a small cabinet at one side of the room. Attached to it was a minimalistic kitchen and a narrow hallway that leaded to another room which turned out to be a bathroom. No one seemed to be home.

I was aware that it was rude but I searched the kitchen for food to fill the void in my stomach. The fridge was almost empty and the few products I found were expired a long time ago so I just made myself a mug of chamomile tea. The warm liquid helped my body recover from the aftereffects of last night.

I carefully pulled away the curtains that covered the sight onto the streets only to notice that I was in an apartment far above the ground. This was at least the 10th floor of a skyscraper building. From the sight of it I could now tell where I was. I should have left but instead I ended up starring outside for hours.

Even though in the back of my mind there was a voice telling me to leave my body wouldn't move. It was almost as if I didn't want to escape, as if I didn't had the strength to run away from the bad things that happened in my life. Sometimes I felt like I found comfort in my own misery.

The rattling sound of keys turning in the door lock made me snap out of my trance. My eyes were piercing him the second he entered. There stood a tall man with brown eyes and softly curled hair. He was dressed in a black coat and at the bottom of his sleeves and around his neck I could spot white bandages.

"It's you..." I stated the obvious with a rather unpleasant expression "Why did you keep following me after I asked you to leave?" Dazai sighed "I could tell you were going nowhere. I couldn't get myself to leave you there sleeping on a parc bench all alone in the cold."

"Why not?" I asked making him laugh unintentionally. The sound of it was weird, echoing in my ears even after he stopped "It would have been rude to leave a girl all by herself in the middle of the night after she tried to throw herself off a bridge."

"I didn't mean to. I slipped" I mumbled "Besides I still don't understand what you would gain from helping me. And don't say you did it just because you're a good person. I know it doesn't work like that."

"You're smart" was all I got as an answer. "What do you want from me then?" I asked digging further. I wish he would say it out loud instead of making me uncomfortable with his put-up smile and the failed attempt of showing pity towards me.

"May I take you out on a coffee?"

He was talking around the bush. Not that I expected a straight up answer, but it still left me unsatisfied. "Sure" was all that I said. I didn't feel like I could decline his offer for a reason.

We went to a small, crowded Café in the middle of the city and sat down at the window. Even though it was already dark outside there were many people rushing around outside.

My eyes captured a young couple walking by. The girl clenching to her boyfriend's arm while she looked up at him with eyes reflecting such deep affection and love that the sight made him blush. Then giggling from a group of children playing tag and the yelling of their parents trying to get them to stay close so they wouldn't get lost in the crowd got to my ears. I looked over, watching them rush by with their faces picturing pure joy and innocence.

I wonder why I couldn't remember myself being that way. The idea of it seemed so far away. When I looked at people, I felt like I was looking through a dusty window, my body only existing in from of a shop mannequin without a touch of emotion. The more people surrounded me the lonelier I started to feel.

Dazai cleared his throat to get my attention. "The waitress asked for your order" he said. "Oh" I quickly turned to face her and ordered the first thing that came to my mind. A milk latte.

"I think I have never seen someone space out that much. You envy them, don't you?" Dazai asked pointing outside. He didn't wait for an answer like he stated the obvious "They go on day for day. Finding pleasure in their daily routines, clinching onto the things they have, falling in love with what's in their reach. They're blind. Blindness is the key to happiness but once you've opened your eyes you'll find yourself impossible to close them."

I was stunned, taken aback by what he said. I wanted to say something, wanted to satisfy the craving of my mind for more of his words. I felt like a kid sitting in front of a bowl filled with candy. Fully aware of how it would make me feel sick after but still not able to resists.

For the first time I looked up, starred into his eyes only to find them remain cold. Even when his mouth was still forced into a smile they were like gemstones. Beautiful but lifeless. They reminded me of my own.

I only just took my eyes of him when the waitress came and delivered our drinks. I was sure she must have thought I was crazy starring at someone like that but of course she placed the cups in front of us with a huge smile and wished us a good evening like nothing happened. It was her job after all.

Dazai ordered a black coffee just to add insane amounts of sugar into it so I wouldn't taste as bitter. By the expression of his face, I could read how disgustingly sweet it must have tasted.

"So, what were you doing on that bridge yesterday? You claim it to be an accident still you get uneasy when you're being asked" Dazai stated. There was no pity or concern in his voice.

"I'm not sure" I answered taking a huge sip of the coffee to prevent myself from saying something unthoughtful. "I just wonder... did I do you a favor or put you in a bigger state of misery by saving your life?" Dazai asked. I sighed "Neither."

To me live and death didn't make much of a difference. I couldn't possibly imagine that either of them could satisfy me in any way. Moreover, I couldn't find any meaning in them. While most people seemed to value live and feared death I couldn't possibly figure out how they decided on that.

Dazai insisted to take me home and since he didn't have a drivers license we took the subway. There was a silence between us but it was rather comfortable than awkward. I watched our faces waver in a reflection of the dark window. We were alike in a way that we were both outcasts and so we couldn't help but feel empathy towards each other.